live, laugh, love

mommyhood...

2012-02-10T22:41:00.001-07:00

there is a point in motherhood when you stop worrying about the fact that your child just threw up in your hair...you grab a ponytail, strip down, put on those big girl panties and rock that little one until he settles down and falls asleep in your arms...and then you look down on that sweet, peaceful face and can't imagine being any luckier than you are, vomit soaked hair and all.

toddlers...

2012-02-07T11:11:00.001-07:00

try not to let the below picture deceive you this kid is trouble...

camden still isn't a full time walker...but he is getting there...and with his new found freedom the trouble in this second year has increased dramatically. this morning i woke up to change four, yes four, stinky diapers in one hour...camden then proceeded to bash his head into the tv stand and his toy chest in my bathroom. i usually put cam in the bath while i take a shower (it keeps him occupied and my shower overlooks the tub in case there is a fall)...today camden had already pooped four times, so i figured i was safe...cam gets in the tub, mom gets into the shower...cam assumes the potty position as he signs potty i drop the shampoo and jump out as quickly as i can, drenched mind you, to grab him from the tub and stick him on the potty...but he doesn't go and i am dripping and he is laughing so i throw a diaper on him and hop back in the shower to race to the finish line (i only need like 3 minutes tops these days to get the necessities done) camden in that time frame decides to throw two used diapers into the still full tub along with a set of pj's and a sweater...all the while i am screaming NO CAMDEN as soap suds run down my face...i jump out of the shower several times to pull him away from dumping anything else in the tub before it finishes draining...he opens all of the drawers and proceeds to dump every hair accessory and random item in said drawers onto the floor...at this point i am just thankful he is busy and that i closed the door to the toilet. i finish my shower and then realize my hair brush (along with several other items) has been missing for two days now...i have no idea where he puts anything anymore. i hurry and comb through my hair with a travel brush (i have ridiculously thick hair and so this task is a nightmare in itself)...i turn on the blow dryer and camden hates the stupid blow dryer so i get to listen to him try to scream louder than it and throw a little tantrum while i desperately try to get my hair more damp than dripping...i gave up. and at this point i am just thankful we have no where to be today.

however...i will take the extra trouble...and hope it doubles soon, because this man of mine is going places and a little trouble here and there is more than made up for with a little arms wrapped around your neck kiss right on the lips.

stache bash...

2012-02-03T19:04:00.012-07:00

prepare for picture overload...

decor:

birthday boy:

photo booth: (didn't get everyone, but here is who we did get...)

and it wouldn't be a birthday without this guy...

he is two!!!!!!!!

broken...

2012-02-02T13:20:00.002-07:00

i was told once...to let go of jealousy, fear and pride. i have thought often of these things...they are feelings everyone has, but i understand just why i need to let them go personally...they have held me back my entire life. they keep me from accomplishing, from living, from loving. i was given a gift in camden, i know he was made specifically for me, because i need him. i needed a moment, a glimpse of my broken self, i needed to be torn down so that i could be built back up...and who better to put those peices of my heart back than a child so unconditionally full of love, a child who will undoubtedly face and combat jealousy, fear and pride in the people around him everyday of his life. i have learned so much in just two short years...about love, about the things that are important in life, about myself. i have learned to let go of a lot of things...and i still struggle every day with the aforementioned demons in my life...but i know camden is slowly picking me up off that hospital floor every day...that he is putting me back together the way i needed to be put back together. and i am ever so thankful for my tiny, beautiful gift.

our little man turns two...

2012-01-24T08:07:00.001-07:00

today we celebrate two years of having a tiny soul bless our home. there are a lot of emotions wrapped up into today...and the wish that i could turn back time to the day this tiny little being came into the world. if i knew what life would be like today...i wouldn't have cried those sad tears, i wouldn't have partaken in any amount of resentment, i wouldn't have mourned a child that never existed...i would have celebrated every ounce of the six pounds that i was so blessed with....because he is mine, and he was made for me in the most perfect of ways and i can't imagine life any different, or any more "normal" than it is today. thank you camden for the light and love that you bring into our home and into our hearts every single day...for the world we never knew existed and the happiness that we have found there. because i know now how little you need me and just how much that i need you. today we celebrate you, camden, every ounce of you little man.

on a side note...we are opening up our celebration to friends and family this saturday...if you are in town and would like to join in on the fun...let me know!

camden is turning two...

2012-01-17T21:53:00.000-07:00

our littlest big boy is turning a whopping two years old next week..we are having a party to celebrate at our place on saturday the 28th (you will see a formal invitation on the blog soon)...i am so in love with this age...tantrums and all :) at almost two camden is....

*a first word user (meaning he uses single words, and copies or tries to copy the things that you say) words he uses on his own include: mama, dad, chase (ase), toe, two, turtle (tuwtuw), bye, that (dat), no, more (mo), oh, wow, santa (anta), nigh nigh, grandma (um ma), grandpa (pa), thank you (an ou), all done (a don), yes (es), head (ed), snow (noh), me (meh), yay...

*he will tell you what a cow, dog, cat, duck, monkey, bee, snake, gorilla, bear, tiger, dinosaur and wild thing says when you ask, or he sees one, he also knows most of the signs for different animals.

*we stopped counting when he hit his seventieth sign, and he has learned so many more and he will often combine signs...like "roll ball"

*he understands a ridiculous amount when spoken to, and can answer a question he knows instantly...although he chooses quite frequently to ignore you.

*he gives hugs and kisses on demand.

*he can point to his head, toes, hands, ears, eyes, nose, mouth, head and hair when asked.

*he is walking! when he wants to...and he will only do something for people he doesn't totally know when he feels 100% confident about it.

*he can walk up stairs with two hand support, alternating feet.

* he can turn around and go feet first off anything: down the stairs, off the couch....

*he dances standing up without holding onto anything, the kid can shake his little booty.

*he can bend over in the middle of the room and pick up objects and stand back up, sometimes walking them over.

*he uses a push toy and can get on, off and ride a push car.

*he can get up into a kid sized chair on his own and turn around.

*he can push his chair over to the couch and use it as a ladder to get onto the couch, although he doesn't like to if it feels unstable at all.

*he loves anything ball related, he loves to roll and throw them.

*he knows the words and signs for the colors: blue, yellow, red, green, brown, black and white...and is beginning to understand the concept behind color (he is pretty consistent with red and blue)

*he is stubborn as all get out and hit the terrible twos around 18 months...lovin' those fall to the ground and kick tantrums...my fav.

*he is a great eater...finally!

*he can use a spoon, although he is still working on consistency with the scooping action.

*he is learning how to use a fork and is getting pretty good.

*he drinks from a straw and open cup

*he can do simple matching puzzles.

*he loves to feed his elmo and cookie monster and knows how to get the cookies out of cookie monster's backpack, feed him and start over, he also loves to rock and kiss baby dolls and chuck them across the room when he is finished, haha. everything is a phone. he also likes playing with cars and doing the sound effects.

*he can work push button toys without help, and can navigate some apps on the ipad.

*he is quick to pick up on how to make things work.

*he loves to open the garage door, and has to do it every time we enter or exit.

*he knows the actions and signs to the following nursery rhymes/church songs: itsy bitsy spider, the wheels on the bus, patty cake, book of mormon stories, popcorn popping, up up in the sky, twinkle twinkle...and asks for each quite frequently

*he loves bubbles and can blow out of his mouth (not strong enough to get the bubbles going yet, but he is getting there.)

*he can put pegs into holes.

*he can do the ring stacker, stack 5 plus blocks and the shape sorter (most consistently with the circle, square and triangle)

*he is the first to fold his arms at the dinner table awaiting the prayer

*is obsessed with signing time and finding nemo, and asks for them anytime he can see a tv in the room...he loves to chant like the fish in the tank and pretend he can speak whale like dory.

*he knows how to work the dvd player (we had to turn off the touch screen buttons on the front so he couldn't get the dvd's out anymore)

*he loves rocking out to music...any kind, and can sing away into his pretend microphone like no other.

*he helps with chores...like wiping down the counters or floor, sweeping, laundry (more often than not he ends up making more of a mess, but that's ok) and when asked and in a good mood he will help put his toys away.

*he can also make quite the mess, dumping toys out everywhere, emptying the cupboards and drawers, we can't leave the toilet seat up,

*he loves to play instruments: drums, piano, shakers...you name it, he will play it.

*he signs potty before going number two :) and has been known to bring me over a diaper when he needs to be changed and there is one lying around. he has also gone to the potty on his training potty multiple times, no we aren't training but getting him use to it here and there and really just trying to keep him from going in the tub.

*he hands me his bottle when it is empty and he wants more.

*he loves books, he mimics the facial expressions of characters in the book, turns the pages, signs and points along as well.

*he knows his signing time dvd's so well he signs the sign that is next before she gets to it.

*he goes to nursery at church and even though we requested an aid it hasn't worked out quite yet, but he is doing great in there anyway and eats his snack, listens to singing time, bugs the leaders to hold him, gives them hugs and sits independently and attentively in a kid chair with the other kids.

*goes to music class and a toddler class through early intervention, goes to physical therapy twice a month, sees a speech therapist here and there and has an early intervention coordinator pop in twice a month.

*his dr appointments have slowed and he is on a typical schedule with the pediatrician and doesn't need to see a cardiologist again until he is three.

*he still has a hair pulling problem, although i have noticed it is when a kid invades his space bubble or he wants their attention...we are working on it, he also tries to kick them away if he is annoyed and when he gets hurt or angry he hits...again working on it.

*he likes to wash his own hair, rub in his own lotion and brush his own teeth and hair.

*and if you ask him "camden how old are you" he holds up one and a half fingers and says "two!"

i love this little man of mine so so much and i am so excited for what the future holds for him...

2 for 2...

2012-01-10T18:47:00.003-07:00

i found kelle's blog just weeks after having camden...at this point we were already falling in love with camden and watching kelle fall in love with nella at the same time was such an amazing adventure for us...kelle's blog: enjoying the small things has done so so much to raise awareness for the down syndrome community...last year for nella's birthday her readers raised $100,000 in just a few weeks for the ndss and this year her goal is $200,000 and with still a few weeks left to go she is already over half way there! it is definitely a blog worth reading, even if you don't donate to nella's 2 for 2 fund...however, her goal always hits close to my heart, since nella and camden are just two days apart and on similar journeys...

and as kelle explains so beautifully in her post...our kids are valuable and their futures are limitless.

where does the time go...

2012-01-09T16:38:00.004-07:00

i could not for the life of me figure out where my days have been going...i mean i understand on the days that i have things specifically on the schedule, or i actually get out of the house, but seriously...what about all the days i wake up and my schedule "looks" empty...meaning: no doctors, no therapy, no toddler classes, no specific to do's....

so i decided to keep track...

7 awake, get ready
8 chiro
930 home, see dad off to work
10 camden snack
1030 plan weekly meals
11 grocery store
12 lunch
1 camden nap
130 clean up house, daily chore, primary stuff, other, me time (really just a tv show playing in the background while i do everything else)
3 camden wakes up
3-4 play time/walking
4 snack time for camden/mom preps dinner
430 cam done with snack, dinner cooking, mom cleans up snack mess, mom decides to blog while camden tries to pry me away...cam play/therapy

now this is me filling in the rest of the night:
530 dad home
6 dinner
7 family home evening
730 family activity
8 cam goes to bed
9 mom time/clean up/work out
10-11 mom bedtime

so there you go...a day without a schedule...

i wouldn't trade being a mom for anything in the world, even when at the end of the day i am still in my workout clothes/pj's and it looks like i did nothing...

gotta love it.

holiday lovin'...

2012-01-08T16:56:00.004-07:00

there was a whole lot of driving....and a whole lot of love...

a whole lot of music...and a whole lot of ball pits...oh christmas how we loved you...

from our family to yours...

2011-12-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

a little christmas magic...

2011-12-21T21:54:00.000-07:00

smile camden!

there is a definite difference this christmas than those of past years...because at age two, camden is starting to see it...he is taking it in...the lights, the tree, the snow, the big red guy with the beard...and if you ask him if he is excited for christmas...he says "yes" with a big grin and a head nod. when you point out to the falling snow, he smiles shyly back and signs snow while he says the word "noh" and after taking the above picture he now recognizes the big guy everywhere we go...and so sweetly signs santa while attempting it with "ata". and i giggle and he giggles and the magic of christmas is creeping back into our lives...and i couldn't be more ecstatic, because there is nothing more magical to a child than christmas, and there is nothing more magical to a parent than watching a child at christmas.

preferences...

2011-12-14T12:36:00.003-07:00

as of now camden still prefers to crawl...i on the other hand, would prefer he get off his little tushy and walk. i don't think it is too much for me to ask, since two plus months ago he showed us he could and he is up to ten consecutive steps now, and understands how to slow himself down and balance. apparently camden doesn't see it that way. about a month ago camden tried out walking to get around, and somewhere along the line, he decided he prefers his hands securely on the ground. his therapist even wrote the following on his report last week: "camden is able to walk, but chooses not to"... i can't say that i blame him, he is a fast little fireball on all fours...but i am dying a little over here. the only time he will stand up and take steps is if we are begging, pleading with him to do so...and so for the last few weeks, i have been pretty down about it. and then this morning i was getting ready and i watched him in the mirror come crawling in from the hallway, and i realized that i should be cherishing these last few months of crawling, because i know soon enough he will stand up and take off on two legs, and that little piece of baby in him will be lost forever. so crawl away little man...because you are getting bigger everyday, and a part of me just wants to yell "STOP!"

snow day...

2011-12-13T12:05:00.004-07:00

love.

holding on a little bit tighter...

2011-12-10T17:22:00.006-07:00

i watched a video on facebook today, and i broke down bawling on our way home from christmas shopping...it made me want to hold onto this little boy of mine a little bit tighter...it made me ever so thankful that we still get to see that tiny boy every day, and it made me thankful for the opportunity i have to be his momma...because every child is a blessing, and every life teaches a lesson...and often times the shortest of lives teach in the most profound of ways. everyday that i get to wake up to his smile i learn something new about myself, every story that touches our lives through camden helps me to understand our own a little bit better...and today i am ever so thankful that billy and i were somewhat oblivious to the dangers that camden faced in the first few days of his own life...because it is only now, that we are on the other side, that i look back and realize just how little i was in control, and just how easily things could have taken an entirely different direction...and i know now that if they had, or if they ever do, we will be alright, because i have faith in our eternal family and know that sometimes all you can do is take a step back and realize that someone knows you, loves you and has a plan for you.

and with that knowledge comes the peace of knowing that everything will always be alright, even if it isn't what we had planned out...that every single moment counts, big or small...and that embracing those moments are what makes life worthwhile...

so we are alright with the messes...

we are enjoying the hugs...and the giggles...

the ever blossoming toddler that we call ours...

even if he is one stubborn little boy sometimes...and doesn't like to do things on mommy's timetable...because it really doesn't matter, all that matters is that he is ours, forever and always.

time...

2011-12-02T21:41:00.004-07:00

i have days, where all i want to do is vent...about camden, about down syndrome, about terrible twos...and i feel oh so overwhelmed. and when my husband comes home at night and asks how our day was, sometimes i just want to cry, because the day is already over, and the dishes are piled high, the crumbs are building under the highchair, the laundry is a week over due, and i haven't even showered...i joke to him that one day i will wake up in my forties and wonder where my life went...i say joke although, i am fairly certain that will most definitely happen. how do the days go by so fast? sometimes i feel like everyday i wake up running and reaching and i can never quite catch up, there is always more to do...there is always another mealtime, there is always another therapy session, there is always another tantrum, there is always more cleaning to do...

but at the end of each day, after the venting is over, and camden is sleeping soundly, breathing slowly, smiling sweetly in his dreams i inevitably feel the peace...i remember the laughs, i remember the dances, i remember the sweet kisses and the oh so tight hugs from tiny arms...the milestones, the personality, oh the personality, the songs, the walks, the awe that only a child's eyes can hold. and i smile...because on that day, when i wake up and wonder where the years have gone...i will know they have been spent to the pitter patter of ever so tiny feet, the joy of a first smile, a first laugh, first steps, first days of school, first dates...i will know that my years have gone into the people around me, and i can't think of anyplace i would rather spend them.

blog break over...

2011-12-01T12:45:00.003-07:00

ok, i think my blog break was long enough, i probably have no readers at all left...

i checked my blogstats for the first time ever this morning, just wondering, i honestly had no idea how to do it previous to today...and goodness i am thankful for all of you out there! i honestly just started the blog as a journal for billy and i and when camden came along it became a release for me, time to myself, time to reflect and grow, time to connect with other families with similar circumstances...and today i noticed that camden's journey has touched far more than i ever would have imagined...that we have blog viewers throughout the entire united states...but also in canada, the uk, germany, poland, philippines, lithuania, indonesia, romania, australia, malaysia, france, japan and russia...what?

so thank you! for touching our lives, and sharing your own, i don't know who i would be exactly without this little blog of mine...even if it isn't always at the top of my priority list.

...

we spent thanksgiving with my family in a state that looks like this...

oh california, how i miss you...while we were away camden might have gotten a few early christmas presents from some grandparents...i thought he was going to die of excitement when he saw rock n' roll elmo...he played with that guy for an hour, and even knew exactly what to do with all of the instruments, including the microphone, he spun circles on his little butt forever just singing away into that thing...

he also got a fun race track that spins the cars in circles...he loves putting all of his toys in there just to watch them spin...and on occasion he sits himself on that track and tries to push himself in circles, silly boy, we shall see how long the track can hold up.

and of course he loved the plastic wrapping it all came with...

i sure do love this little boy...

update on hannen program...

2011-11-08T10:52:00.005-07:00

so i blogged about the hannen program back in september...and i have two classes left and wanted to do an update on how i felt everything went.

the idea behind the program is to train the parents to be able to most effectively communicate with their children through the different stages of communication...and to hopefully help the children to gain a better understanding of language and the need behind communication. the program utilizes all forms of communication (sign language, speech, pointing, pictures...) and helps you as the parent to understand where it is your child is in both understanding language and expressing communication.

here is what i loved about the program:

they trained me to be a speech therapist for camden...so instead of sitting in an hour long therapy session with someone else trying to get camden to communicate with them it is all about how we, as parents, communicate with our kids. i loved this because camden is shy, and i see three thousand things in a day, that a therapist probably won't ever see in an hour a week...so i know where camden is with his communication and i can build on that more effectively than an hour a week with someone else who doesn't see what he is capable of day in and day out.

they took video! and yes it was intimidating, but it was sooo helpful to see how camden and i interact and what things i do naturally with him, and what i can improve on. they did a new video every two weeks so that you can track how you have changed in your interactions.

they help you better understand your child, his personality type and the ways in which best to communicate with him through each stage.

they took everyday scenarios and turned them into learning moments. because honestly, when do we have time to sit down with our kids all day and work on speech...we don't. so they show you how to take your everyday routines, that you are already doing, and naturally work communication into them using several techniques that build upon one another. it helped to make the process of speech therapy a natural part of our day, and gave us the ability to actually incorporate it throughout our day.

and so much more...

there were really so many great things that i took away from this program...and i would definitely recommend it...we started it in september, it was on wednesdays for 2.5 hours, parents only (two weeks on two weeks off) with an at home follow up and video taken on the off weeks). time consuming, yes, but if you have the time it is worth it. if you don't have the hannen program in your area (our school district offered it through early intervention) they have a book. it takes two to talk

i can honestly say we saw a huge improvement in camden with his communication. a lot, i am sure, was because we caught him right at the time that he was ready to learn and beginning to take off with his communication, but i do feel like hannen helped me to best take advantage of the last few months. he went from twenty or so signs to over sixty. he went from saying mom and dad and no to attempting to say around 16 words (they definitely aren't perfect words and mostly vocalizations like "eise" for please and "aaaaba" for amen but they are attempts at speech!)...he is also making 6 animal sounds. plus you take what you have learned and move forward on your own after the program ends. so all in all, it was well worth it for us.

we will still see a speech therapist throughout next year, to help camden gain the muscle tone in his mouth he needs to speak clearly, but this program was a great start.

trick or treat...

2011-11-01T11:02:00.003-06:00

camden went trick or treating for the first time last night...we may have only made it to three houses and decided to go back and finish passing out candy...but we went!

we hope your halloween was as spooky as ours!

and hello november and your lovely snow storms.

happy haunting...

2011-10-31T11:29:00.004-06:00

trick or treat!

love,
the wild things

the good life...

2011-10-30T18:35:00.006-06:00

i like to think that if people really knew what life was like with a child with down syndrome they wouldn't fear it, in fact they might even ask for it...because it truly is amazing. camden is just a kid, like any other kid...with just a little something extra. it really is hard to put into words how we as parents feel about our children...but that is what we tried to do this month...

kelli (another mommy ) put together this video for our kiddos (you may see a certain someone), and hopefully you feel, just a little, of what we feel every day with these kids in our lives...thanks kelli!!! enjoy!

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

the difference between a man and a woman...

2011-10-29T11:01:00.003-06:00

this morning i got up, got ready, billy watched camden while i got dressed. i came downstairs to feed him his morning snack and realized he needed a fresh diaper too...so we proceeded with the diaper change, and cam decided to pee all over the jeans i had just put on. frustrating. and this is when my husband said:

"just wipe them off with a wipe, why do you have to change? the wipes have soap in them."

and i am sure you know what i said...

seriously.

chopstix...

2011-10-28T21:21:00.005-06:00

pretty sure this kid could not get enough of the chopstick action tonight...he kept signing bird (because that's what the chopsticks look like they are doing) and he had to eat his food off them...the kid makes me laugh every day.

i am fairly certain camden has the taste buds of an adult, since he likes his food to have flavor, he doesn't mind spicy and he eats tofu like it's birthday cake...but he isn't into the sweet stuff, unless by sweet you mean vanilla pudding.

walking update...

2011-10-27T19:46:00.003-06:00

cam might have decided today that walking is going to take priority over crawling...woohoo. meaning...he is up to four steps (remember...i had faith) and he isn't crawling to get close enough to something before he tries to walk to it anymore...he just stands up wherever he is...takes a couple steps, eats it, stands right back up, takes a couple steps, eats it...until he gets to whatever he is going for...he does this for distances within about ten feet...so no, he isn't walking ten feet all in one swoop but this kid is going places. and we are so proud of his enthusiasm.

GO CAMDEN!

normal...

2011-10-27T14:58:00.003-06:00

you better believe i am posting twice today...because i suck and forgot again yesterday. so my first post today is kind of a repeat of an entry i wrote last year for down syndrome awareness month...but i find myself consistently going back to it, to remind myself of what really matters...so here it is:

"sometimes i feel as though, in a desperate attempt for inclusion, in striving for not so different, i discount the very qualities that make my little one so uniquely beautiful. sometimes i feel that the celebration comes from the closer to average than the not close to average...and i have to wonder...why? why a mother who wants her children to be so beautifully, uniquely genuine would strive for average...in any sense of the word.

...

in a world who claims to celebrate differences, to encourage creativity and dreams...why is it that i find myself clinging to normalcy...and who defines normal? could i even define normal? average is the middle, the sum of all parts then divided by them, the thing that happens most often...how do you quantify qualities? and why do we try? so why is it that in our quest for inclusion, in our attempts at understanding, that we compare to averages...

...

i found comfort once, in averages with camden...when i would look at him and at other babies and not see so much the differences...when i would hear the words, "you can't even tell", or when the therapist would say "no significant delays"...but somewhere along the line, those words lost their meaning...they changed meaning...they began to hurt. they began pushing normal...and i find myself asking why? why can't we each just be "each"...in our very own wonderfully unique way. why can't we push for different...in the most wholesome sense of the word, and why can't that be magnificent in its very own way.

...

so in a society that at times defines unique as exclusive instead of inclusive...we find ourselves comparing averages...but my son isn't average...and i wouldn't want any of my children to be. i want him to be unique in the most wonderful ways possible...my son is different, an individual, exceptional, extraordinary and strange in the best possible ways, the ways that make him divinely, singularly, him. in all, he is who he is...and i strive to celebrate that each and every day."

stay tuned later for entry two.

rambling...

2011-10-25T21:14:00.004-06:00

it's late, and i just remembered that i have yet to post anything for the day...so here is my attempt.

camden and his walking legs were on fire today...he still isn't taking more than three steps before he tumbles forward and eats the carpet...but, progress: steps one and two are getting a lot more stable, so that's good...someday he will make it to four...i have faith.

his little hands were on fire today too, he may have ripped out a chunk of long blond curls from a neighbors four year old (literally, he was holding them in his tiny little fingers)...so, i guess we are back to hair pulling. so fun. so suggestions on time out techniques out there? he definitely knows that it hurts (he tends to sign hurt before he reaches for the nearest head) but i don't know if he totally understands time out. the hair pulling took a back seat to biting for a little while, and that faded and was replaced with hitting, and now we are back to the hair fetish. and i know that this behavior is typical for the age but, seriously!!! i might be going nuts over here.

camden has also been making up his own signs over here...ya that's right, if he doesn't have a sign for it he makes one up...and although cute, i sometimes get lost and he gets frustrated that i don't know what he is communicating...like "mom! i am over here signing my butt off and you are oblivious!" some that i have figured out so far include: cookie monster: which is both fingers wiggling in front of his mouth (like he is cookie monster eating a cookie), bee: he tickles himself with one finger and says the zzzzz sound, up: he hits whatever he wants up on a couple of times...and so on. and when he signs a string of signs and i don't get the message right he shakes his head and says no, no, while doing a little finger wag and after a few incorrect guesses the tantrums kick in.

last but not least....camden may have fed himself a whole grilled cheese and most of his yogurt tonight! without chucking the spoon or the bowl anywhere and without hiding any of his sandwich under his thighs or high chair, seriously it was the cleanest meal i have ever seen him eat, and it was a good way to end the night! well, besides the whole falling asleep in mommy's arms thing, that never gets old.

pumpkins and patches...

2011-10-24T20:10:00.001-06:00

dreams...

2011-10-23T18:00:00.002-06:00

i wake up sometimes, from dreams that feel so real...and they are amazing dreams and heartwarming and in them camden is accomplishing great feats...in one dream a few months back, cam just stood up and started walking, and he was amazing and flawless (i have had this dream a few times since), sometimes i dream that he speaks eloquently and clearly, even if it is just one word, it is clear and concise and i know without a shadow of a doubt what it is that he is saying to me. and then i wake up, and i ask myself, was that just a dream?

they feel so real.

and i eventually come to, and back to reality and the knowledge of that sinks in, deeply. don't get me wrong, camden is accomplishing great feats, every day...and i know that one day he will walk across the room with ease, and he will speak beautifully and concisely...but he won't do it today.

a few days ago camden was looking at his electronic book and after turning a page he would reach up and push the tiny button on the top of the book to get it to read to him...i didn't teach him that. and i was thrilled, because for the first time in his existence he learned something without the concept being drilled into his brain, without going over it a thousand times, without hand over hand motions, he just...figured it out. and i realized then that other kids learn a lot of things on their own, no one has to move their arms and legs in a crawling motion, they just do it. no one has to twist their bodies and contort their muscles, no one has to walk through the motions on how to sit up, or how to pull up to stand, they just learn when they are ready to. and that amazes me.

but it also helps me to realize just how determined my little guy is, how much he wants to succeed. he deals with the hand over hand, and the twisting and contorting and the forced motions (most of the time) because he wants to learn! and i know that he will learn things on his own, and that he will continue to accomplish great feats...it is just going to be one day at a time.

savoring the sunshine...

2011-10-22T19:57:00.001-06:00

selfish...

2011-10-21T13:37:00.004-06:00

note: the following is rant, so reader beware. it is also my second post for today, making up for the day i missed ...

i read a comment on another mommy blog that was made in context of the new test that is out for mother's to diagnose down syndrome at ten weeks. the comment was made in defense of aborting a baby with down syndrome because the author thought it was a selfish act to bring a baby into this horrible world that would undoubtedly have so many hardships...they went onto ask who would take care of the child once the parents had died and asked how it is considered ok to place that responsibility on the child's siblings or society in general (as if we parents who have these children don't think about the future and provisions for our children).

i have so many feelings about this comment...more so than the usual uneducated comments. the first is heart ache, because this person lacks compassion, and i can't imagine a life worth less than one that lacks compassion for others. the second is anger, because to say someone is selfish for allowing a life to come into the world, regardless of the effects it will have on their own, is the least selfish thing i can think of. i didn't have a choice with camden, we didn't find out until birth and either way it wasn't a choice for us based on our belief system...but i can say that i only have the utmost respect for those who decided to love that little one growing in their womb, regardless of their fears for the future. third, people with disabilities not only contribute to society purposefully but inadvertently as well. they teach love, generosity, compassion and respect, which are all things i believe this world could use more and more of each and every day. fourth, who is charged with taking care of you when you get too old? your children? society? and is it then selfish to allow yourself to live that long? how are people with disabilities worth any less than any other person on earth? and how is saying that ok and not considered a form of racism and how is the act of trying to eliminate the existence of a certain type of person not considered genocide?

there are so many other things to say, but my mommy boxing gloves might come out with those, and i am sure that there are so many other things this commenter and i disagree with, like the existence of God, so i will leave it with reaffirming what i have said before...i love my son, he has made me a better individual, his life is worth living, even if he isn't what most would think of as "normal"...and honestly i can't think of anything more that i wouldn't want any of my children to be than "normal". i had no idea how worthwhile his life would be, until i had him...and anyone who says different has either no experience with the subject and is therefore wholly uneducated or has little to no compassion and lacking in the most beautiful and fulfilling human emotion, love without limitation.

he is valued, he is loved and does love, and his life does have worth.

the end.

caught on camera...

2011-10-21T09:21:00.003-06:00

i finally caught this little guy on camera! for the last few weeks he has only tried walking randomly and i never had my camera, until yesterday when he decided he was going to practice all day!

fear...

2011-10-20T11:15:00.003-06:00

if i could accomplish just one thing as a mother of a child with special needs, it would be to teach people not to be afraid. not to fear life's unknowns, not to fear the what if's, not to fear the misunderstood.

it would be to ask people to push their fear aside when they see someone who is disabled, in any way, and go say hello, or even just smile, instead of awkwardly looking away. i know it's hard...because you don't know what to say...will they think you are staring? what if they don't understand you, or hear you? what if?

and those fears are legitimate and understandable and all too common. and i know this because i use to be afraid too. but, i can promise you that it isn't awkward to make eye contact, it isn't awkward to say hello, it is never awkward to smile. i can also promise that you won't only make that person's day, but they will more than likely make yours.

so let's stop our fear in its track...let's overcome it. and soon, those scary misunderstood unknowns about life in general, might not seem so scary anymore. because nothing is more disabling than fear.

i'm not going to lie...

2011-10-19T19:28:00.005-06:00

this whole blog every day this month thing is kicking my butt...how did i do it last year with such ease? oh ya...i didn't have a toddler. so in between the feeding, chasing, cleaning up after, putting to bed, and entertaining i haven't really felt like sitting down and racking my brain for a post. boo.

anyway, here i am...with nothing really to say except that this kid of mine...rocked my world, to the core...in an earth shattering sort of way twenty short months ago, and today, and every day since, he has continued to clear the clouds, to let in the sun, to teach me how to live and how to love. he has taught me how to persevere and to stand up at times i would have gladly sat down. he has taught me how to feel with every fiber of my being...he has helped me grow, helped me learn. i would not be the person i am today had it not been for that day twenty months ago.

family...

2011-10-18T13:18:00.002-06:00

we spent last week in idaho visiting billy's parents...while we were there camden realized his mad potential as a future pianist...the kid can sit for an hour listening to grandpa play and banging on those keys himself...

he also decided that his favorite person in the world is his uncle chase...he even started saying chase last week...it sounds more like "aiz" because he doesn't know how to make the "ch" sound yet and his "s" is a little sharper and more of a "z" but that is what he is trying to say, and i couldn't be prouder of him!

formalities...

2011-10-17T18:29:00.005-06:00

because it is down syndrome awareness month i thought i would write a little on interacting with someone with down syndrome, or any disability for that matter. so here are the formalities:

what is people first language?

when speaking to or of someone with a disability it is important to remember that they are people not their disability...so to break it down, camden (the person) has down syndrome...instead of the down syndrome boy or downs child. i try my hardest to remember this, but as most people i wasn't ever introduced to this until i had camden, so please know with all of these formalities i never take offense...but as a parent of a child with down syndrome i do try to educate, especially since many people do take offense and it's best to try and be educated when talking to someone about a subject. with that...it is also important to remember that people with down syndrome are just that...people, that they experience every human emotion, not just happiness, and quite frankly my toddler is getting really good at throwing tantrums that might end the world as we know it.

down syndrome vs. downs syndrome...

in the united states it is considered politically correct to refer to camden as having down syndrome, not downs syndrome or downs...however in the united kingdom and other places throughout the world it is still known as downs syndrome. the reasoning behind this difference is that down syndrome was named after john langdon down, the british physician who discovered it. in britain they note is as downs to show possession. and in the u.s. we have removed the possessive form: "In 1975, the United States National Institutes of Health convened a conference to standardize the nomenclature of malformations. They recommended eliminating the possessive form: 'The possessive use of an eponym should be discontinued, since the author neither had nor owned the condition.'" wikipedia.com

(again i am not ever offended, just a formality to me really, however it is the preferred language)

the "r" word...

so i know i was guilty of using the word retarded in my youth, and probably even right before i had camden...because i didn't ever really think about it. however, the word retarded is a medical term that has gained a negative meaning because of the slang use of the word. so...of course i would love to never hear the word again...but i know that i will, and all that i can do is advocate against the use. personally i don't take offense when i hear it in the slang use, because i know that it isn't meant for camden, and really, because i don't personally think of camden as retarded...even if the medical community does. but i do back the movement to end the slang use of the word and hopefully one day we, as a community, will think before we speak in general, and not just when using the word retarded but any word that has a meaning for someone else that might be taken as offensive.

and finally...i know i am not a good teacher when it comes to this, since i choose not to capitalize anything on my blog, and really try hard to ignore good use of sentence structure in general...but, the proper way to write down syndrome is to capitalize the d and use a lower case s....Down syndrome.

so there you go...what i know about the formalities...so try and incorporate them! and ps...i know i am guilty of being uneducated when it comes to other things and how to speak about or approach other topics that might be sensitive to others, because i haven't ever been in their shoes, but i do try...so cheers to making ourselves more aware of others and their unique situations, but i promise you don't have to walk on egg shells over here...because i know that the best way to combat ignorance is education.

when did that happen...

2011-10-16T17:28:00.007-06:00

when did he become such a little boy? when did he transition from that tiny baby cuddled in my arms to a tiny but independent toddler? i love it when camden surprises me with a taste of personality, a little bit of him i have never seen before. when he decides to do something for the first time, or allows me to see it for the first time. when he accomplishes something he has been working up the courage to take on for some time, and when he knows he did something huge and praises himself at the overcoming such a huge task. he amazes me each and every day, and there is nothing more worthwhile than being able to watch him continue to grow into the that man he will someday become.

milestones...

2011-10-15T21:16:00.001-06:00

check out this video to see how families live and love and celebrate their kids with down syndrome!

Milestones

welcome to holland...

2011-10-14T11:06:00.006-06:00

"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

Emily Perl Kingsley.

working hard...

2011-10-13T18:56:00.003-06:00

grandma bush and i have been working really hard on my little family's halloween costumes for this year...and we are finally finished! here is a preview...

can you tell where we are going with this?
costumes in their full glory to come later on this month!!! so excited!

no excuses...

2011-10-12T12:40:00.004-06:00

i messed up...i missed yesterday...in my defense, we are visiting with family and i spaced it. but no excuses i am getting back on the ball. so, with my lack of posting yesterday, i thought i would really put some effort into today, here it goes.

my little man has had croup for the past few days, the dr. put him on steroids to help open his airways, and i hate the sound of those coughs every morning and the inevitable feeling of helplessness when the humidifier and outside air just aren't getting the job done. so with that, we have kind of been taking it easy and with the sudden drop in temperatures we have been limiting our outdoor festivities to quick car trips and maybe lunch out, with the occasional walk out to the backyard apple trees. but he likes it outside. and stands at the back door waiting for us to let him explore, and well stalking the cat. and i hate thinking that he feels left out...

so on this october 12th, as i sit and think about down syndrome awareness, the back of my little guys head has me tied up in knots wondering how often i will see this picture throughout the years...how often i will wonder how he is feeling when he begins to notice that his peers can do things a little easier than he can or even perhaps things he can not do at all. and it hurts to think about....because no mother ever wants to think about the loneliness her child might feel, that feeling of being left out.

and i know it will come, inevitably, here and there...but i also know that he will have glorious moments of kinship...that he will make friends, that he will have companionship, and that he will be able to do things right along side his peers too. and i realize that every kid has that feeling of loneliness at one time or another, i still get that feeling...and that it isn't out of the norm for him to feel that way, in fact it is more normal than anything. because some kids are beautiful artists, some are fantastic dancers and some breeze through school, but no kid does everything with the same ease as their peers...and camden is no exception to that rule, and it's ok, because he will have success and he will have happiness in his very own ways. and i am thankful to be his momma, to watch him blossom, to see the excitement in his eyes, to feel his tiny arms around my neck, to know that he loves and is loved and that those things won't ever change.

and if it's not too much to ask, try a little harder this month to include someone who might be feeling a bit left out, because we all have known that feeling at one time or another, and we will probably all feel it again.

apples...

2011-10-10T18:13:00.002-06:00

it was a good day...

at a loss...

2011-10-09T17:01:00.003-06:00

i was planning on posting a new video...but i can't get it to work, and well i am at a loss on what to write about tonight, so i will keep it simple.

from the ndss:

"Why are medical researchers today so keenly interested in Down syndrome?

Down syndrome is a developmental condition. As researchers learn more about the molecular genetics and other aspects of Down syndrome, they also obtain valuable information about human development and can advance the study of many biological processes.

In addition, individuals with Down syndrome have a higher incidence of certain medical conditions, and the study of Down syndrome may yield important breakthroughs in those areas. Research in Down syndrome provides a way for looking at many important problems:

• Heart disease: Up to 50% of individuals with Down syndrome are born with congenital heart conditions. The majority of heart conditions in children with Down syndrome can now be surgically corrected with resulting long-term health improvements. However, scientists continue to search for the cause of these heart conditions and look for means of prevention.

• Alzheimer's disease: Estimates vary, but it is reasonable to conclude that 25% or more of individuals with Down syndrome over the age of 35 will develop the clinical signs and symptoms of Alzheimer's-type dementia.

• Leukemia: Approximately one in every 100 individuals with Down syndrome will develop leukemia; or, to put it another way, 99% of people with Down syndrome will not develop leukemia. The majority of cases are categorized as acute megakaryoblastic leukemia, which tends to occur in the first three years of life, and for which there is a high cure rate. A transient form of leukemia is also seen in newborns with Down syndrome, disappearing spontaneously during the first two to three months of life."

i love him...

2011-10-08T18:08:00.001-06:00

more than words could ever say. and like any momma, i don't have any idea what i did or would do without him. he is my everything.

traits...

2011-10-07T16:46:00.003-06:00

random fact: "a few of the common physical traits of down syndrome are low muscle tone, small stature, an upward slant to the eyes, and a single deep crease across the center of the palm. every person with down syndrome is a unique individual and may possess these characteristics to different degrees or not at all." ndss.org

camden has all of the above mentioned traits...he has isolated areas of lower muscle tone...we noticed it in his forearms when learning to crawl, i see it in his ankles while he is learning to walk, and in his mouth (which makes speech particularly more difficult for him).

the kid is tiny...he was 30 inches long at his last checkup which is average for a child his age with down syndrome...but he has a super hard time gaining weight, even for a child with down syndrome.

he has a slight upward slant to his eyes, i notice it particularly with his right eye.

and he has a simian crease across both palms of his hands, which looks like one single crease from above the thumb across the palm to below the pinkie finger.

camden also has...my blue eyes, his daddy's lips, my chin, his daddy's blond hair, his grandpa's round face, my thin stature (well when i was a kid), my outy belly button, his daddy's skin tone, his grandpa bush's outgoing personality with a hint of mommy's shy streak. he is definitely more us genetically than he is that extra chromosome, as all people with down syndrome are more alike their families than they are different.

videos...

2011-10-06T21:47:00.003-06:00

camden loves books these days, he has a ton of them...but his favorite is "are you my mother" by dr. suess....

he also can't get enough of that daddy of his :)

lovin' it!

day five...

2011-10-05T22:03:00.003-06:00

i have shared this on the blog before...but every time i hear it again, it tares a little piece of me away...nine out of ten women who are given a down syndrome diagnosis prenatally choose to terminate.

when you are initially given the diagnosis you think that your pain will only come from the idea that someone might one day not accept your child....that they might have to deal with ignorance, and not be able to defend themselves...and i can tell you that that pain is still very real but the pain that comes from wondering what would have been camden, if he had not been mine, is also very real. the pain of knowing that this little man of mine, who is everything to me, had a ten percent chance of surviving a pregnancy, not because of health but because of inconvenience, ignorance, fear or pride, that kills me. and everyday i look at that face and am overwhelmed with gratitude that he came to me...because regardless of popular belief, his life is valuable...and will continue to be of infinite worth. he contributes to society everyday, and he isn't even yet two...every day that kid smiles and laughs and i wonder what people are thinking when they speak of quality of life, because this kid knows how to live and how to love and that is quality of life. my son deserved his right to live, and so do the other ninety percent...and i know looking from the outside in that it might be difficult to fully understand, but i can say without a shadow of a doubt that camden is exactly who he was meant to be, and it is a life worth living.

button...

2011-10-04T10:53:00.004-06:00

when i was younger i was obsessed with drawing precious moments characters, don't ask me why, i don't know...but i remember that my favorite part about those oh so lovable kids were there ever so tiny button noses. i envied their perfection and wanted one all for myself...little did i know i would one day get one...

it happens to be my favorite part of him too.

wobble wobble...

2011-10-03T17:57:00.004-06:00

guess who just took his first deliberate, all on his own step...that's right...the cam man!!!!!! pretty good for day three of 31 for 21 :)...he just wanted to be sure to show off for you all! i am pretty sure i almost cried...we have been practicing for a little while holding onto the back of his shirt ever so lightly and pushing him to walk forward and letting go to get him to take one or two steps on his own...but today was the first day that he deliberately stood up on his own, in front of the mirror of course....and took one step forward all on his own, leg bent and off the ground and replanted all on his own, and then he lunged forward onto his hands. he is on his way!!!!!

not the plan...

2011-10-02T12:53:00.011-06:00

when camden was born i remember distinctly thinking, this was not in my plan. i had little to no experience with anyone with special needs and although as a mother to be all of those what ifs run rapidly through your head, you definitely don't plan on them. i didn't quite know how to respond to the sudden change, i felt hurt, i wondered if it was some how my fault, i flashed to an unknown future, i thought about hospitals, i wondered how long my newborn would make it, i feared for his future, and selfishly mourned what i thought was the loss of the plan i had laid out for myself.

then i remembered something, it isn't just about my plan....because i believe that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me too...and once i remembered that, i realized just how beautiful and exciting adding this journey to my plan could be...even if sometimes i might face an uncertain future (as we all do) i can feel peace knowing that i am not alone. camden has brought more love and joy into our home than i ever thought possible, and everyday i am thankful for the ability i had to reach out, scoop him up into my arms and add him to my plan...because sometimes the things we think we never would have wanted in this life become more than we could have ever asked for.

"if you want it...work hard to create it, but leave cushion for the unexpected and embrace everything outside of that 'perfect' vision as good and meaningful parts of your story you would have never had the opportunity to know had you stuck to the script."

kelle hampton, enjoying the small things

happy october...

2011-10-01T17:32:00.003-06:00

my favorite time of the year...pumpkins, sweaters, boots, hats, pumpkin pie, pumpkin jambas, candy corn, costumes and down syndrome awareness month!! this october, i am doing the 31 for 21 blog challenge again, meaning i am posting everyday through the month of october. it probably won't always be about down syndrome this year, but it will always be about the love of my life. so be sure to stop by!

thanks for making me a mama camden!

bath time...

2011-09-10T22:56:00.007-06:00

the sign for bath is two fists rubbing up and down on your chest...camden signs bath at least five times a day...he gets two...and this is how it goes...

who is that?

bath time for giraffe...it looks eerily as though he is drowning said giraffe (but he is really just giving him a drink)try to get as many items in lap as possible, at one time ...mad face (upon request)happy face (upon request)...and look no support!line all bath toys back up on the ledge...i don't want to get out!!!!the end.

buddy walk...

2011-09-10T22:46:00.005-06:00

we started here...signing time concert!

...
cam's buddy max came to say hello...
we started the walk...(there were lots of peeps there! we were lovin' it!)thirty seconds in camden decided he was done...cue tantrum...
but we finished!!!!
~
a big thanks to all of our sponsor/donors this year!

we wish we could have stayed a little longer and gotten some more friend time in...but the little was in desperate need of a nap, oh toddlers.

back to school...

2011-09-07T22:31:00.006-06:00

we started a new intensive speech therapy program with early intervention through our school district for camden last week....only, i am the one sitting through a two and a half hour class on wednesdays for the next three months. yes that is right, i have gone back to school, to learn how to better communicate, and essentially be as good of a speech therapist (without actually being one) for cam as i can be.

the program is the hanen program, and we just started it, so i would love to hear experiences, if any of you have them? so far it's good, the classes go by quickly and i love that it is offered through the school district! (which means we are saving on private speech therapy for the next three months) and no one can really complain about that! it has been interesting, so far, to see different ways to communicate with kids and to understand a little better how best to interact with camden at each stage of development.

i am excited to see how camden reacts...

ps...we just got home from california...and we maybe miss it...thanks for playin' in the sand with me grandpa!

did he just...

2011-09-02T22:38:00.001-06:00

you have to watch it clear to the end...there might be a big surprise!

it is amazing how every new step is its very own milestone, i am loving it.

shhh....

2011-08-30T13:21:00.005-06:00

bedtime has become my favorite activity as of late. don't get me wrong, i still have the moments where in frustration i hand the little man off to dad because he just isn't having it...but i would say about 90% of the time, it is my favorite time of the day.

it is the time of day where camden's attention is all on me, which is increasingly rare, since his toys are where it's at these days. it's just me and him. at seven sharp camden signs bath and so up we go to lounge in the water...bathtime is followed by jammies at which point camden signs "brush teeth" and proceeds to do it all on his own! after mommy gets the real scrub time in with his teeth we read a book and camden points out all of the amazing things that are happening and jabbers away as if he is the one doing the reading...we proceed to do a the "wiggle dance" to get all of our bedtime wiggles out...he loves that part and belly laughs the entire time....and then it is onto prayers where the little man proceeds to bow his head and fold his cute little arms and then peak up at me several times throughout only to be reminded to fold his arms again in a whisper, which he immediately does. after prayers camden snuggles right in and we sing songs and he practices his talking, usually in a whisper until he knows he has it...last night he said dog...twice! and i love watching his little mind work for things, the shapes he mimics with his little lips, the smiles that creep over his entire face, the light in his eyes. it is our time to talk things out, to share our day, to giggle ourselves to sleep, and i love it.

but nothing compares to the soft shutting of his eyelids, the slowing of his breath, the loosening of his grasp, the sweetness of a baby fast asleep and the reminder that no matter how big he gets...he will always be mine.

team camajama...

2011-08-27T16:49:00.009-06:00

yes, it is that time of the year again! buddy walk 2011 here we come! please hop over to camden's fundraising page to help us support our utah down syndrome foundation and feel free to sign up for the walk and join in on the fun while you are there!

thank you for all of your love and support!
love,

the bush fam

push it...

2011-08-26T21:29:00.002-06:00

cam has been experimenting with the push toy for a little while now, but he has gained more and more confidence with it and so i shot my first video of his newest venture!

i promise i'll be better...

2011-08-16T13:02:00.008-06:00

i have been neglecting the blog lately. we have been busy, yes, but really, it is because as of late i haven't really felt the need to write. you would think that would be an "0h no" moment for me...what is different? why can't i find anything i feel inspired to write about? so the oh no came this morning...and i sat down and pondered a minute...and then i realized that it isn't an "oh no" moment at all...because for the last eighteen months i have been inspired by the pain of a diagnosis, by the realization that a diagnosis means very little, by the beauty in the life i thought would surely be so very different than the one i had envisioned for myself just a short while ago, and it has been good and fulfilling and awe inspiring and life altering...and now it is my normal. i am thankful for the last eighteen months, they have changed me in so many ways i couldn't even acknowledge every one, i am a different person now, i see things in a new light.

and so here i am, on a tuesday and so many things have come and gone in the last month or so, an anniversary (five happy years, and one stronger couple because of them), a half birthday, vacations, milestones, life. and i am inspired every day, in so many ways...it is my new normal.

so cheers to happy families everywhere! the little inspirations in daily life...
and to finding ways to fit the time in to write about them.

blocks...

2011-08-08T11:54:00.003-06:00

we have been in california for a week...so i have been quiet in the blogosphere...but i thought i would throw out a few videos of our trip today...

"cool"...

2011-07-29T13:59:00.002-06:00

today i got a phone call from my mom...on the other line i heard this:

"will you please tell your brother (he is 14) that there are other backpacks that are cool besides jansport, they have so many cool backpacks everywhere and all he wants is a jansport."

i was instantly brought back to my teenage years...and i felt for my brother, knowing that my mom had argued the same thing with me...

"tonya, this shirt is cool, i bet half of the girls will be wearing this shirt..."
"no mom, it's not, and no one will" (which was true)

and so i replied to my mom this way:

"mom, get the kid a jansport, they are cool, he won't be cool without one..."

and she replied:

"why would he care about what is cool? he should get what he likes, why would you want to be like everyone else?"

and i replied, " mom he can figure out his likes in other ways, just let him be cool". she gave in.

i hung up the phone, and then i thought about it...

my mom always pushed me to think out of the box when i was growing up, she didn't go to my school, she didn't always know what was "cool", but she always encouraged us to think in our own way, and not how everyone else does...

because of this, i may not have had lucky jeans growing up, i may not have always been the coolest of kids on the block...but i was able to grow into myself. and i am thankful for that.

so thanks mom, for not always letting me get what was "cool" and helping me to figure out my own "cool"...even if it wasn't always on purpose, and even though i may not have talked to you for a day here or there.

so here is what i called my brother back to say: "tanner, i know jansports are cool, and you are safe if you get one, but i also know that the coolest of kids decide their own cool, even if it isn't always the popular thing to do...so get what you like, cool or not, as long as it is what you like."

thanks mom.

lessons...

2011-07-27T17:31:00.005-06:00

today as i scrolled through my usual blog rolls, i read through a post from a mother who has an adult child with down syndrome...as the mother described daily life with her child she mentioned what she would have told herself, twenty years ago...

when i think back to camden's birth and what i would have told myself then, right now it is all about acceptance. this mom, twenty years later, had moved past that and onto the reality of daily life...she said "slow down". it took me back a little...because i felt at first like i was working toward that, learning patience in his milestones...but i never really thought about slowing down even our daily life...and as i thought about it, it dawned on me just how personal this lesson was for me.

i am a fast paced person, i talk fast, i move fast, i drive fast, i am always in a hurry, rushing here or there...and on a full day i find myself getting frustrated with my own rushing, i get frustrated with camden when we have to leave and he is taking forty minutes to eat a full meal...and i noticed that on the days i try to pack in twenty things i feel more accomplished, and i wonder, is that really what it is all about? or maybe, it is ok that we just hang out all day...spend time with each other, work on our motor skills, or just play...because maybe it isn't about rushing to fit a quantified number of things into one day, but more about the quality of things that we fit into a day.

i needed to learn how to slow things down, not just for camden, but for myself, because what is life worth anyway if we are consumed with merely filling it? so why not slow down, and fill it with what matters?

i am thankful for my son, every day it is more and more apparent just how perfectly he was made just for me.

transitions...

2011-07-22T15:32:00.004-06:00

beside the fact that camden tried to bite his therapist this morning due to unwanted completion of a task (he wanted to take the rings off, not put the last one on), we had a fairly productive day...

we are currently working on getting camden to use a spoon, he has the pincer grasp down and can self feed with his fingers (when he doesn't throw whatever it is on the floor) but hasn't fully transitioned into using a spoon quite yet. his speech therapist recommended using edible things that can also double as a spoon to start out, and having camden dip them into a yummy treat...his favorite combo, vanilla pudding and biter cookies...i think it is working great!

we also give camden a spoon to explore with at the same time, and today he took it out of the pudding and put it straight into his mouth! yay!

(ps. don't mind the fact that the cranberries are on in the background, and i may or may not have been humming along...haha)

tiny hugs...

2011-07-20T09:24:00.003-06:00

camden and i have caught a summer cold...who catches a cold in the summer? apparently we do. and although i despise being sick myself, and hate even more the thought of the little one miserable...i do love the extra cuddle time. camden is a fantastic cuddler...he will stop what he is doing and come over and just snuggle...if he is tired...he wants to cuddle...if he sees me crying he stops everything, comes right over and wraps his little arms around my neck ever so tightly. this morning was no different...camden woke up from the sniffles at four a.m. and rolled around on mom and dad's bed until he was ready to go back to bed...about an hour later i felt a little hand on my shoulder and opened my eyes to find my little guy snuggling right in, his head touching mine...so i wrapped my arms around his tiny frame and pulled him in...we slept soundly, together, until eight a.m. when he woke up and rolled into me with a giant smile. there really is nothing better than waking up with that smile of his.

an apple orchard...

2011-07-08T15:36:00.013-06:00

thanks to our good friend, natalie, we finally got some family photos done...and i love them so. i was going to wait until monday to post anything but i just can't help myself...so, here are my favorites...

a big thanks to natalie bate and square photography.

weekends...

2011-07-06T09:25:00.008-06:00

this is how we start our weekends...

father's day
that's right...my own chair...
parks...

zoos...fourth of july barbeques...
and the occasional lawn mower race...
fireworks! what!?
happy to report that after the initial boom shock, camden sunk right into the awe of that fire lit sky.

red, white and blue...

2011-07-04T16:37:00.002-06:00

as we celebrate today i can't help but be ever so thankful to be able to live in the nation that i call home. for the rights that we have been blessed with, for the opportunities, the freedoms that those before us died for...for the men and women who have given up their homes, their families, their lives to secure for us and others a life worth living.

i am proud to be an american...but most of all, i am thankful.

happy fourth!
(pictures coming soon)

there are moments...

2011-06-14T09:11:00.003-06:00

there are moments on this journey that make you stop, dead in your tracks...moments that touch you, that make you silently reflect and think about just how and why you are on this journey you find yourself on every day. why it was you chosen. moments where things fall into line, when you are at the right place at the right time. things that would have never happened had you not been chosen to take on this new path. people that you meet, and you can feel this swelling inside, the quick paced beating of your heart, because you want so much to wrap your arms around that new mother and tell her that it will be wonderful, breathtaking and inspiring. so when you meet a couple, just a little half way through their first pregnancy at a barbeque, for a friend that either of you hardly ever see...a couple whom after finding out that camden has down syndrome, bursts out to you, whom they have just seconds ago met, that the baby girl they are carrying might have down syndrome too...it makes you stop and realize that this is part of it. this is all part of the journey now...and that somebody else is walking you through each step that you take...because just how much coincidence really happens in life?

and regardless of whether or not that baby girl, still growing and changing, does have down syndrome, this couple needed you at that time, and you needed them. i am thankful for these moments, they always seem to happen at a time when you needed someone to wrap their arms around you and remind you that this path is wonderful, breathtaking and inspiring...

just because...

2011-06-13T15:54:00.006-06:00

i know my blog is overrun with video clips these days, but i can't help it...
~
the toughest thing about having a 16 month old who is the size of most 8 month olds (or younger) is finding developmentally appropriate toys that fit his tiny frame...but every once in a while we get lucky...this was a christmas present from a certain pair of grandparents and i am happy to say, g and g bush, that he now loves his truck! (click here to see how cam first responded to this now treasured gift)

every day i love him a little bit more...i don't really know how that's possible.

simon says...

2011-06-10T11:17:00.005-06:00

while in the produce aisle at the grocery store cam looked to the side, folded his arms and bowed his head, so mom looked to the side and there it was...an older gentlemen pacing the aisle in search of some vegetable his wife had no doubt sent him on a hunt for, with his arms folded across his chest, i immediately started to laugh and then from behind heard another patron begin to laugh..."what a good mimic cute one" she said as she walked by...

~
he is definitely becoming our little mini-me with all of his mimicking and i can't help but fall in love with this newest obsession of his. it is truly amazing how each stage brings something even more magical than the last.

the world upside down...

2011-06-09T11:04:00.006-06:00

ignore the shaky videographer...pretty sure looking at the world upside down is cam's favorite thing to do these days...

and i have to throw in his awesome signing and speech skills too!

and ignore the tv in the background haha i was obviously not paying attention...

summer is peaking out...

2011-06-08T15:35:00.008-06:00

of the frequent clouds and gloom this year, we have had the occasional day of sunshine, yesterday and today being hopefully the start of more and more...to celebrate the sunshine we headed to the zoo yesterday with cousin austin...

and today we went for a quick swim! PLEASE STAY SUNSHINE!!!

a,b,c's...

2011-06-05T21:09:00.003-06:00

a couple of months ago we started speech therapy with cam...i felt like he was doing alright with making a few sounds, he did mama, dada, baba, goy, nana...so what i really wanted from therapy was to get him eating more (he was having problems moving to more solids...he ate stage three baby foods all day long, bread, puffs of all sorts, and cookies and french fries, but had a problem with choking and then vomiting on pretty much all other foods, including his bottle, and he wasn't taking a sippy or a straw). along with his speech therapy weekly, his early intervention coordinator through the school district set up a feeding eval and encouraged us to encourage cam's speech by repeating every sound he made to us, back to him (and i mean every sound).

so we faithfully went, every week, even though cam had mad stranger anxiety with the therapist and spent half of every session clinging for his life to my neck. and billy and i have been making an extra effort to repeat every single sound that comes out of our boy's mouth. we got some great advice on eating from the therapy sessions, along with our early intervention coordinator, each week. i also started singing a,b,c's to camden at bed time, i sing once through the traditional way...a,b,c...and then through with just the sounds (ah, ba, ca, da...). i do it at bedtime because that is when i have his fullest attention, he will do anything to postpone going to bed.

so here we are one and a half months later and cam is now eating and swallowing (without choking) small bites of meat (chicken, meatballs, vienna sausages), small fruit slices, yogurt, fruit bars, cereal bars, bagels and cream cheese, peanut butter, steamed veggies, most anything sweet, graham crackers, pudding...you get the idea) and he hasn't thrown up anything in about three plus weeks! we still have a long way to go, because the bites are still ultra tiny but we are getting somewhere! he is also drinking through a straw!

as far as speech goes, he has started to blossom, he is trying to mimic a lot of sounds we make, where before he would only mimic mama and the other sounds he only said when babbling...now he copies ma, da, ba, wa, ga, ka (this one is a little throaty), s (it's a mix between an s and th, because he has no top teeth, but it sounds pretty dang good for a toothless s), h, na, doe, no (which he is also saying in correct context here and there), ta, oh, uh. we are really working on getting him to say uh oh and hi and the e and i sound...but he hasn't quite yet. all in all i am so excited to see improvement!
~
seeing cam blossom and knowing that he can and will continue to accomplish so much is so amazing to watch! we are so proud of his hard work! and so thankful that we live in a day where the help that he needs is available.

uh oh...

2011-06-02T16:15:00.003-06:00

my sweet, innocent, baby boy is a hair puller and biter to boot! we are starting time out this week, since he laughs when mommy signs owie and pretends to cry and since he has branched out farther than family members and thinks that you initiate play time by grabbing hold of the nearest head of hair and pulling it in...something has to be done. he goes into nursery at church in just two short months and i definitely do not want to be called up because cam took a chunk out of some kids scalp and laughed about it before he bit him. so we will see how the time out thing goes. if anyone out there has experience and suggestions...please feel free!

apparently he doesn't like tile...

2011-05-31T19:53:00.003-06:00

motivation: keeping knees off of the tile...maybe we should tile the entire house?

just a little somethin' somethin'...

2011-05-11T17:10:00.000-06:00

note his leg movements in the background mirror...

time away...

2011-05-09T14:10:00.004-06:00

we are leaving this cute mug behind for a week...and i have never been so torn in my entire life...billy and i are going on a much needed, mommy and daddy vacation...but leaving the little guy behind has me tied up in so many knots it is getting hard to count them. i am especially afraid of missing what he will do next...not being there for some fairly large milestone, being that he is hitting new ones on a regular basis now...this last week alone he took his first wobbly steps along the coffee table and the bath tub...he crawled up a whole flight of stairs with little to no help from me...he is pushing off of furniture for a second at a time, and starting to turn in transition from one piece of furniture to the next. and i know he won't be walking anytime soon, because there are still lots of little baby steps in between, but honestly i don't want to miss any. still...i think it is time for us to break away...and a whole week without mom and dad is a milestone all on its own, especially with the oh so fun separation anxiety camden has recently started embarking on...poor grandma bush. but i know he will be in good hands, and time out with daddy should keep this momma fairly occupied!

how do you explain it...

2011-05-07T22:42:00.007-06:00

when someone asks you how you felt when you found out your son has down syndrome? because honestly i don't really want to explain the first twenty four hours...i want someone to ask me...how do you feel now, now that you have been given an entire year with your son, down syndrome and all...how do you feel about it now? but they never, ever do. instead you are torn between the lines...on the one side you have the cliche, "he is my son, and i will always love him just the same"...or you have the truth. that sinking feeling, that cloud of dismay and all encompassing weight of the unknown...all brought on by a world of misunderstanding and just plain not understanding. and don't get me wrong, i understand the reason for the question, very much. i would have asked it myself. it's just that, when you find out anything that wasn't what you would have originally put into the blue prints of your life, the first twenty four hours, i believe, (and sometimes a little more time is allowed), is god's grace period. he understands the tears...he understands your fears, even if they are completely unfounded and irrational in the whole scheme of things. he reaches out when you are shaking your fists up at the heavens and he forgives those almost unforgivable thoughts. because he knows where you will be in just a short year.

so you want to answer that question with the way that you feel about down syndrome now...the beauty, the personality, the love, the strength...it all comes bubbling to the surface, because you want everyone to know that it is okay, that you are okay...after that initial grace period you start to see what heavenly father has seen all along, and you are thankful. thankful that you get a glimpse of what true unconditional love really means. thankful that you are fortunate enough to learn something of christ like love. thankful that you understand, a little better, christ's love for you.

adventures...

2011-04-28T13:08:00.007-06:00

camden had a little adventure on wednesday...he got to take a trip up to salt lake city and visit the same day surgery center at primary children's...he got his very own hospital jammies...

he met the baby whisperer (aka...the pediatric anesthesiologist) who fought off camden's recent surge in stranger anxiety, like the obvious professional that he was...who softly spoke to him while rubbing his little bare back through the strings of his new pajamas. we walked slowly down the white halls and stopped here and there to play with new hospital toys until we reached the surgery room where camden reached up for the anesthesiologist and went happily away...

billy and i went down to the cafeteria to wait it out and grab some food...and i knew it was a small surgery, and i knew we would be in and out...but there is something about a hospital cafeteria that brings me back to the fog that i sat in for the first nine days that camden laid in the nicu. the out of body experience that it is when you are waiting for the next feeding scheduled, waiting to see if your newborn will eat for you that day, waiting for good news, or bad.

in about an hour we were called back to find our baby boy sweetly resting, bum up in the air, in the small hospital crib...and as billy and i jokingly put it, he is now a "real" boy...(the pediatric urologist had to go into his abdomen and retrieve the right side of his "manhood" and put it down where it belonged). and although he is a little bruised up, and i know i'm not a boy, but man in looks like it should be sore down there, he is reacting like nothing at all happened in that hospital yesterday.

baskets full of eggs...

2011-04-25T10:52:00.007-06:00

our easter was filled with reminders of our savior, family, first easter baskets, first egg hunts, first reese's peanut butter cups and a whole lot of love...

bragging moment: camden is such a toddler these days, hands and knees crawling around everywhere (i wasn't sure that i would necessarily like this stage all that much, with the chasing around, but he is still our observer and takes things at a slower pace, besides the fact that i think having those 4 extra months to take it in and gear up to it helped me to be more and more excited about it, and i am happy to say we are loving the crawling thing)...attempting the bottom steps on his own, signing (most consistently more, with his thumbs though, and doggie...but he has also begun using dad, milk, grandpa, hurt all in correct context although not as frequently as doggie and more...i have also seen the sign for cracker and water although i don't think he understands the context), mimicking sounds, and he even started saying mama on demand...that's right, i say mama...camden says mama. he learned how to do the "indian call" (you know the hand on and off your mouth to change the rhythm of your voice). mom brushes her hair or teeth, camden brushes his hair or teeth. he understands simple commands, like "camden look at mommy", "sit up", "come here", "kisses" (he loves to kiss the people and animals in his books as well as his own little reflection...vain?) and he knows he shouldn't do something by the tone of my voice, although that doesn't seem to stop him for more than a second to look over at me. all in all he is getting bigger (by that i mean older) each and every day and we are loving every new little phase.

oh the fun you will have...

2011-04-15T10:13:00.005-06:00

games are becoming more and more fun with camden...mostly because he is playing back...

and he may still be a little uncoordinated with the movements, but they are movements none the less...and so ridiculously cute.

things that make me terribly happy...

2011-04-12T15:48:00.001-06:00

is it hard...

2011-04-06T09:47:00.007-06:00

i was asked this question once...i was caught off guard, and had forgotten at that point in time that camden had down syndrome. so instead of catching onto the meaning behind the question, i answered as any new mom would have, "no, well, motherhood isn't easy, but i wouldn't say it is too hard".

as i walked away, it dawned on me...i wasn't asked about being a mother, i was asked if being camden's mother was hard. it hit me like a ton of bricks, you know the feeling, breath knocked out of you...but not because i was offended by the question, because i thought maybe i had missed a great teaching opportunity. all at once a million answers flashed through my mind...they all consisted mostly of the extreme opposites of hard..."i wouldn't have him any other way", "he is the best baby ever and i don't know what i will do when we have a typical child", "he has been so much fun"...which are all quite true, but they don't really answer the question do they?

camden had physical therapy this morning...getting there on time at eight am, dressed, fed, ready to work, that might have been a challenge. listening to what the words "sensory processing issues" meant, that was maybe a little harder...watching camden struggle to do things that a ten month old can do in their sleep, can be a little daunting. reading the phrase severe delays on his evaluations was tough. thinking about his future, is sometimes a little scary.

but...only when i can't see his face. because that smile of his, well it makes me forget, everything...because when he smiles, it's just me and him. and when he took those first crawls forward, when he pulled with all of his might up to stand, when he rolled his hands while playing patty cake, when he finally understood something, and he smiled in triumph...that was life changing.

so after over analyzing my abundant possible answers, i landed back at my first...
"motherhood isn't easy" (but it is life changing in a multitude of magnificent ways).

littlest dancer...

2011-04-03T16:08:00.002-06:00

officially a "crawler"...

2011-04-02T16:11:00.001-06:00

cam has been on the move since he could roll over...at eleven months he began inch worming, by getting into four point and pulling himself forward...he got really good at it...and over the last few weeks he experimented with moving one arm at a time and falling forward...and today he started doing this...

spring...

2011-04-01T13:30:00.004-06:00

the mountains around our house still look like this...

but the sun came out today...and it hit, dare i say 60 degrees! so we went out and enjoyed some vitamin d...

and yes...that is a little tooth poking through in the next photo...
hurry up spring!

family....

2011-03-29T13:17:00.005-06:00

we made an unexpected trip up to visit with billy's family this weekend...we are so thankful that they live close enough to be able to make quick trips like we do. having camden has really brought the importance of family to the forefront for me, and i am thankful for that. we may be making a few trips up to idaho over the next little while...to visit with some family, because you never know when something might happen, and the family dynamic will change...so we are taking advantage of the family that we have right now.

billy and i loved this restaurant when we were dating...it was called sato's...he took me here the night he proposed. the restaurant closed for a while shortly after that, but has reopened under new management and a new name...and yet is still very similar.

look who was a big boy...and thought he was too big to sit in a highchair.

don't you love his tight lipped smile in this one?

losing track of time...

2011-03-28T14:30:00.002-06:00

camden is fourteen months...fourteen! he is officially over the one year line, my big boy...more a toddler each and every day. i'm not really certain where the time has gone...but i am certain that it keeps on ticking by. i can with confidence say that we made it through the month of march alive, and without illness (knock on wood that we had the worst of this season in the beginning)...

this month camden has successfully passed his hearing and one year health exam with early intervention, completed his elap (one year developmental test), checked in with his cardiologist (nothing has changed, and no news is good news in the world of heart kids), scheduled a surgery for a not so fun boy place with his urologist for next month, completed evaluations for speech and physical therapy which we are starting as well next month (weekly), made some new friends at a new fun mom and me kindermusik class through early intervention, passed all of his blood draws for our one year pediatric visit (good to go on thyroids and no leukemia signs), checked in at the down syndrome clinic in salt lake to make sure mom and dad are covering all of our bases, checked in with our friends through our ds playgroup and acquired an annual pass to the living planet aquarium (play date anyone?)

and through all of our running around to doctors, therapists and play dates i have found out a few valuable things about my son....

1. the kid is happy and healthy

2. my child is fiercely shy

3. but won't hesitate to ham it up once you are inducted into the "um, i guess you pass as a friend club"

4. i have one stubborn little boy

5. who eats a lot of sweet potatoes and beta carotene, at least that's what his orange tinted face told the pediatrician

6. aquafor is a heaven sent (for chapped cheeks)

7. and little feet and legs that are hardly ever adorned by socks and shoes because somebody won't keep them on for more than five seconds ( i lost track of how many sets are now m.i.a)

8. he understands a whole lot more than he wants to let on to
9. his elap results don't dictate what he is capable of

10. out of everywhere in the salt lake valley, he would rather be at home with his very best of friends...that baby on the other side of the mirror, man he is cute.

i'm in love.

redefining expectations...

2011-03-21T12:38:00.007-06:00

every parent would like to think of their child as capable of anything. after all "you can do anything that you put your mind to". when a child is born the mother looks straight into its eyes and envisions the future...bio-engineer, teacher, dancer, sports star, president..."they can do anything they put their mind to". sometimes a parent will go as far as to try to help mold that child into exactly what it is that they want that child to be...dance classes, musical instruments, language courses, gymnastics, sports...the list goes on and on. but, inevitably every parent is faced with the same reality..."they can do anything they put their mind to"...and the parent realizes that although they can push their child to meet said child's full potential they can't shape them to do what the parent wants them to do. the child decides the direction, the child decides their potential, the child decides their limits. and although we would like to continue to envision our potential future rock stars we are brought back down to earth when our child decides he/she wants absolutely nothing to do with that piano we just dumped who knows what dollar amount into. and so, every parent ends up back at square one with a blank stare and wonder as they watch their child figure out who they are and want to become.

a down syndrome diagnosis comes with a lot of different expectations...instead of looking toward bio-engineering our horizon changes and our expectations become more, genuine. "i want my child to be whatever he puts his little mind to"...i still want him to reach for those stars, because i know that he has a wealth of limitless potential, but really, i want him to be an upstanding, productive member of society...and honestly, isn't that what we should expect out of all of our children? so with that, what defines productive? if his limitless potential is defined without even a glimmer of biology (i hate science too p.s.) is he not productive? has he not reached his full potential? no...his potential just happened to not favor science...and what if my little one continues to live at home with mom and dad through his older age and works as a bus boy for forty years...has he not become a productive member of society?

i know that my child will make those around him smile, i know that he will thrive, even if it isn't in science, i know that he will contribute love and caring and a good heart to the world and i know that he will create a limitless wealth of value. so really, it doesn't matter if he doesn't become the president of the united states...but it does matter that he lives his life to full capacity, that he loves to full capacity and that he laughs to full capacity, because that is what it's all about.

today we celebrate world down syndrome awareness day...march 21st was chosen because our littles carry three copies of the twenty-first chromosome. and as we celebrate today we celebrate the limitless potential for our children to be happy, to be healthy, to be productive members of the societies in which we live and to be loved and accepted for who they are...we expect, instead of accept and we love that little bit of extra.

tick tock....

2011-03-02T17:50:00.007-07:00

i use to be a time counter...i use to watch the clock...count the days...the minutes...will he make it? he is so close...next month for sure...christmas...his birthday. and each and every day i would hear the tick tock.

i have learned something this year...camden's clock runs at a different pace than mine. it still ticks and it still tocks...and it still makes it from the twelve to the one...two...three...and so on. the final destination is the same as mine...but the journey is just a little different (dare i say, a little better). it is a smoother ride, with all of the tiny steps of babyhood at a pace that i can count. it hasn't rushed by...it has waited for me to jump on, to join in.

and as i watch my little one speak eloquently to himself in the mirror, and lean in to give himself sweet little baby kisses i am thankful. thankful that his tick tocks waited for me.

and now a plug for the ndss

a playdate...

2011-03-01T22:14:00.006-07:00

we love having so many friends so close... thanks kristin for letting us steal all of your cute photos! (mine were all blurry of course, yay for phone cameras)

we had so much fun!

because i love him...

2011-02-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

i want to help olga
(please see her story at a perfect lily)

and the other children at reece's rainbow.

one of those...

2011-02-25T23:00:00.006-07:00

it was one of those days. you know the kind...when, you can't wake up and you immediately get that feeling...the go back to bed and throw those covers back over that head of yours feeling. yep, one of those days.

...

one of those days...when, as you pack to leave the house in a rush you can smell a fresh diaper, so you hurry to change a wiggly little boy who refuses to stay on his back long enough to get the diaper off let alone wipe whatever else is left over...and as you try to get a fresh one strapped on before roley poley oley runs away naked and free you can feel your chances at getting that bottom of his clothed decreasing by the second, and your time is running out.

...

one of those days...when, with fifteen minutes left to feed said naked child lunch he decides lunch means steal the spoon from mom time. after six spoons, a mess of a floor and a half fed child you have to give up, grab what you can, try to clothe that bare butt baby and strap shoes onto feet that are ever crawling away.

...

one of those days...when, you reach your destination and you notice, because an amused friend ever so sweetly points out, that you put your child's shoes on the wrong feet...and as you sit down to lunch for yourself, you switch his shoes back and realize that the steal the spoon game earlier left your just washed jeans, unknowingly, drenched in bright orange sweet potatoes.

...

yep it was one of those days...when the universe tried to warn me...and i didn't listen.

...

at least i got a few good laughs out of it. and yummy lunch with yummy friends.

doctors...

2011-02-24T15:51:00.010-07:00

i feel as though one is the magic number for doctor appointment overhaul...even more so than when he was a newborn...alright i take that back, he had way more, and more frequently before six months than he does at one...but for the last six months i was spoiled and forgot that at one he would have to see all of his doctors again...so here is what our month of march looks like:

march 9th health assessment at jordan development center (hearing and overall health)
march 10 cardiologist for an echo cardiogram and instructions for the next six months
march 14th early intervention
march 15th speech therapy evaluation
march 16th urology appointment
march 21st physical therapy evaluation
march 22nd primary's down syndrome clinic
march 25th early intervention

still to schedule: cam's one year early intervention evaluation, one surgery (which the urologist will consult on), a re-do on last month's unsuccessful blood draw (which i have been procrastinating) and a possible swallow study.

and i know i am spoiled and a lot of children have a much heavier schedule than this on a regular basis...but for future reference, next year i am spreading them out a bit more...especially since we spent the month of february in the instacare with four sets of the flu for our three member family.

but...i am thankful and blessed that we live in a day and age where camden has solutions to his health care needs, so bring on those doctors!

this face...

2011-02-23T10:51:00.005-07:00

camden came into play with mommy this morning at six thirty...but mommy has a secret...if she pretends to stay asleep, camden will eventually go back to sleep too. i love our snuggle time, and i don't get quite as much of it these days so i am all for the extra morning zzzz's. extra until about ten a.m. when cam finally decided to play again. i don't think i have slept in until ten since, well definitely before camden...and it felt good, it felt right....and who wouldn't have a good day after waking up to this face? ok so i didn't wake up to that face exactly this morning...but i do get to see that little face three times a day now that camden has decided self feeding is all that he wants to do. he doesn't quite make it every time, hardly any actually, and the spoon ends up mostly on the floor, purposefully, and he resorts to his hands mostly...but we don't mind...because who wouldn't want to clean this up three times a day right?

bonds...

2011-02-19T14:53:00.008-07:00

a friend asked the other night about being a mom...she has been thinking about starting the journey, taking that leap, but is nervous...so i told her...i can honestly say that i loved my life before camden, i loved being married, i loved my freedom...but, i can also say that i have never been happier.

there really is something about the joy a child can bring into your life. now, that doesn't mean i don't have those mom moments where i feel annoyed, angry or stressed with camden, but it does mean that the sacrifices that i make on behalf of camden are necessary to help in forming that unending bond between a mother and a child. those times where i miss my freedom, those times i want to pull my hair out...are the times that make those intimate moments of love the most joyful moments in your life, because the effort makes it worth it.

thanks for teaching me everyday little one.

desires...

2011-02-18T11:19:00.003-07:00

photo courtesy of billy bush

today, as i was cleaning up camden's room, he lay playing with his toys and i noticed something...as i watched him crawl/scoot his way over to his drum, position it and push himself up into sit to play with it...this kid is driven. he has wants, and desires beyond his needs. when did that happen? when did he become such a little person? when did he start playing? like really playing!? when did he get such a personality? i can't wait to see where he goes from here.

laughter...

2011-02-16T23:18:00.002-07:00

it's 11:15pm as i start this...can't sleep, not that i sufficiently tried. it's been a long week, with countless sleepless nights, another flu, a slight case of the chickenpox from one year vaccinations, a few trips to the doctor (okay, after the last two weeks i might start to consider the hospital my second home) and a few prescription drugs. but we are alive, and camden's newest personality growth spurt has kept us happy, smiling and laughing.

have i mentioned that my boy likes, no loves, to dance...and the little guy has rhythm too. it started at around 8 months i want to say...when propped up on his arms he would sway a little to music, if he could hear some. it has now blossomed into a full on boogie...standing, sitting, laying...really in whatever position he may find himself in as a beat passes by on a tv show or commercial, the radio or dad singing...pretty much any beat will do. he might stop for a second as he looks over to you, as if to say...don't you hear that mom? aren't you going to dance? so i appease him and find myself in a dancing mood for the 30 seconds that the music might last and once i start to dance he begins again too. it really is quite adorable.

and the kisses...oh boy the kisses. this one has it bad for mad affection. and not just any kisses, the climb into your face and nose kiss you while i simultaneously hold you down and eat your cheek kisses. i really can't get enough of them.

he has also found his ability to capture attention...and it doesn't really matter who's attention that he gets...but be careful because once he gets it, he isn't going to let you go. this boy will do anything...wave vigorously, clap (three thousand times because you will inevitably say yay and clap along and he just can't get enough of that action), mom's all time favorite...pull your hair, yell, but in a cute funny way (well to us, maybe not to bystanders) he chucks everything off of his highchair...bread, crackers (but not before he squishes them into sand in his hands), juice, spoons, well pretty much everything, and then he looks over at me with this tiny grin that says: what mom? i finished! and we have inevitably become that family in the restaurant that leaves our table and those surrounding us in small shambles, even after i try to pick up what i can off the floor. but he is still shy at heart...and he nuzzles into me at first sight until he warms up a bit and i revel in it.

sunshine in january...

2011-02-08T11:26:00.002-07:00

maybe it's because i woke up to the sound of a snow plow this morning...but i am feeling a bit nostalgic today...for the warmth of sun and the sight of baby bare skin...
honestly...is there really anything better than that? and i would be lying if i were to say that i don't revel in the fact that my boy loves water and sunshine as much as his mommy does...
maybe even a bit more...because while my feet were going numb from the winter touched ocean camden was having the time of his life in those waves...

and the taste of sand doesn't seem to bother him either, because after he choked down his first handful...he might have gone back to sneak in a few others...

we miss you california....

welcome home...

2011-02-07T22:21:00.004-07:00

i haven't been a very good blogger lately...mostly because the last week has been anything but blog worthy...let's just say last night was the first full night of sleep i have had since we got home from california last monday...oh, ps. we spent the last 6 weeks there, and it was glorious. we came home to -2 after weeks of 60-70's, the flu for dad and mom, and our one year check up, with shots and a very unsuccessful blood draw, followed up by one very unhappy little man...who lost his voice on friday and saturday from three straight days of non-stop wailing, needless to say, i am not a fan of one year shots. it was probably just bad timing, and had nothing to do with the shots, but they are associated now with camden's hardest week ever, well, besides the 10 day stint in the nicu after his birth. but we are alive. we made it through, and boy am i happy that we are finally on the other side.
...
lots and lots of california pictures to come!

a birthday...

2011-01-24T09:11:00.003-07:00

one year ago, i became a mother.

one year ago, i could hear nurses whisper...and an ob asked to speak to us in private...one year ago they said they saw those almond eyes...one year ago billy and i were too afraid of the what ifs so we didn't speak of them at all. one year ago our family welcomed their first perfect grandchild...and they had no idea about the concerns the doctor had brought up to billy and i. one year ago, camden's lips turned blue and whispers continued...and our new baby was wheeled in and out of the nursery with concern and hushed faces. one year ago i hoped the doctors were wrong. one year ago i had no idea how much my life would change. one year ago i didn't know camden.

those feelings are all still raw and fresh, but they are different somehow...they are new, they come with love and understanding and the knowledge that everything will be more than alright.

if i have learned anything over the last year, it is how to love...fully and without conditions, without limits and with appreciation. camden made me a mother for the first time and he has taught me more than i would have ever dreamed possible. as we celebrate today we celebrate camden. we celebrate love, we celebrate limitless possibilities. we celebrate a new way of life, a good way of life. we celebrate the little things, we celebrate our family and we celebrate life's surprises...because they mold you, they make you better, they bring more than your plans ever would have allowed.

thank you camden...for everything you are, and everything that you will grow up to be.

happy first birthday bud!

almost one...

2011-01-23T19:45:00.003-07:00

tomorrow is the big day...we have already celebrated with our family and friends..and pics will show up soon...but tomorrow it is official...i will have a big one year old. i might cry a little, like i did while watching his face light up at the water show at disneyland, or when he was full of life trying to jump in and out of the waves at the beach today, or splashing himself in the pool and then giggling and doing it again...i know i'm ridiculous. i feel as though this milestone has come with all sorts of new tricks...like his continued attempts at crawling, his tries at pulling himself up, his insatiable need to be on the move, his new found love of anything with water, his signing dog, waving hello and bye, clapping and yelling yay, mimics of everything dad and i do...like clicking our tongues, clapping, signing, coughing, laughing and more....understanding in his eyes, his nigh nigh cries at bedtime, his ma ma when he needs me, his ada da's.... it's a whole new world out there from here on out...and each day brings something even more magical....so bring on tomorrow!