i promise i'll be better...

i have been neglecting the blog lately. we have been busy, yes, but really, it is because as of late i haven't really felt the need to write. you would think that would be an "0h no" moment for me...what is different? why can't i find anything i feel inspired to write about? so the oh no came this morning...and i sat down and pondered a minute...and then i realized that it isn't an "oh no" moment at all...because for the last eighteen months i have been inspired by the pain of a diagnosis, by the realization that a diagnosis means very little, by the beauty in the life i thought would surely be so very different than the one i had envisioned for myself just a short while ago, and it has been good and fulfilling and awe inspiring and life altering...and now it is my normal. i am thankful for the last eighteen months, they have changed me in so many ways i couldn't even acknowledge every one, i am a different person now, i see things in a new light.

and so here i am, on a tuesday and so many things have come and gone in the last month or so, an anniversary (five happy years, and one stronger couple because of them), a half birthday, vacations, milestones, life. and i am inspired every day, in so many ways...it is my new normal.

so cheers to happy families everywhere! the little inspirations in daily life...
and to finding ways to fit the time in to write about them.

blocks...

we have been in california for a week...so i have been quiet in the blogosphere...but i thought i would throw out a few videos of our trip today...

"cool"...

today i got a phone call from my mom...on the other line i heard this:

"will you please tell your brother (he is 14) that there are other backpacks that are cool besides jansport, they have so many cool backpacks everywhere and all he wants is a jansport."

i was instantly brought back to my teenage years...and i felt for my brother, knowing that my mom had argued the same thing with me...

"tonya, this shirt is cool, i bet half of the girls will be wearing this shirt..."
"no mom, it's not, and no one will" (which was true)

and so i replied to my mom this way:

"mom, get the kid a jansport, they are cool, he won't be cool without one..."

and she replied:

"why would he care about what is cool? he should get what he likes, why would you want to be like everyone else?"

and i replied, " mom he can figure out his likes in other ways, just let him be cool". she gave in.

i hung up the phone, and then i thought about it...

my mom always pushed me to think out of the box when i was growing up, she didn't go to my school, she didn't always know what was "cool", but she always encouraged us to think in our own way, and not how everyone else does...

because of this, i may not have had lucky jeans growing up, i may not have always been the coolest of kids on the block...but i was able to grow into myself. and i am thankful for that.

so thanks mom, for not always letting me get what was "cool" and helping me to figure out my own "cool"...even if it wasn't always on purpose, and even though i may not have talked to you for a day here or there.

so here is what i called my brother back to say: "tanner, i know jansports are cool, and you are safe if you get one, but i also know that the coolest of kids decide their own cool, even if it isn't always the popular thing to do...so get what you like, cool or not, as long as it is what you like."

thanks mom.

lessons...

today as i scrolled through my usual blog rolls, i read through a post from a mother who has an adult child with down syndrome...as the mother described daily life with her child she mentioned what she would have told herself, twenty years ago...

when i think back to camden's birth and what i would have told myself then, right now it is all about acceptance. this mom, twenty years later, had moved past that and onto the reality of daily life...she said "slow down". it took me back a little...because i felt at first like i was working toward that, learning patience in his milestones...but i never really thought about slowing down even our daily life...and as i thought about it, it dawned on me just how personal this lesson was for me.

i am a fast paced person, i talk fast, i move fast, i drive fast, i am always in a hurry, rushing here or there...and on a full day i find myself getting frustrated with my own rushing, i get frustrated with camden when we have to leave and he is taking forty minutes to eat a full meal...and i noticed that on the days i try to pack in twenty things i feel more accomplished, and i wonder, is that really what it is all about? or maybe, it is ok that we just hang out all day...spend time with each other, work on our motor skills, or just play...because maybe it isn't about rushing to fit a quantified number of things into one day, but more about the quality of things that we fit into a day.

i needed to learn how to slow things down, not just for camden, but for myself, because what is life worth anyway if we are consumed with merely filling it? so why not slow down, and fill it with what matters?

i am thankful for my son, every day it is more and more apparent just how perfectly he was made just for me.

transitions...

beside the fact that camden tried to bite his therapist this morning due to unwanted completion of a task (he wanted to take the rings off, not put the last one on), we had a fairly productive day...

we are currently working on getting camden to use a spoon, he has the pincer grasp down and can self feed with his fingers (when he doesn't throw whatever it is on the floor) but hasn't fully transitioned into using a spoon quite yet. his speech therapist recommended using edible things that can also double as a spoon to start out, and having camden dip them into a yummy treat...his favorite combo, vanilla pudding and biter cookies...i think it is working great!


we also give camden a spoon to explore with at the same time, and today he took it out of the pudding and put it straight into his mouth! yay!

(ps. don't mind the fact that the cranberries are on in the background, and i may or may not have been humming along...haha)

tiny hugs...

camden and i have caught a summer cold...who catches a cold in the summer? apparently we do. and although i despise being sick myself, and hate even more the thought of the little one miserable...i do love the extra cuddle time. camden is a fantastic cuddler...he will stop what he is doing and come over and just snuggle...if he is tired...he wants to cuddle...if he sees me crying he stops everything, comes right over and wraps his little arms around my neck ever so tightly. this morning was no different...camden woke up from the sniffles at four a.m. and rolled around on mom and dad's bed until he was ready to go back to bed...about an hour later i felt a little hand on my shoulder and opened my eyes to find my little guy snuggling right in, his head touching mine...so i wrapped my arms around his tiny frame and pulled him in...we slept soundly, together, until eight a.m. when he woke up and rolled into me with a giant smile. there really is nothing better than waking up with that smile of his.

an apple orchard...

thanks to our good friend, natalie, we finally got some family photos done...and i love them so. i was going to wait until monday to post anything but i just can't help myself...so, here are my favorites...

a big thanks to natalie bate and square photography.

weekends...

this is how we start our weekends...

father's day
that's right...my own chair...
parks...

zoos...fourth of july barbeques...
and the occasional lawn mower race...
fireworks! what!?
happy to report that after the initial boom shock, camden sunk right into the awe of that fire lit sky.

red, white and blue...

as we celebrate today i can't help but be ever so thankful to be able to live in the nation that i call home. for the rights that we have been blessed with, for the opportunities, the freedoms that those before us died for...for the men and women who have given up their homes, their families, their lives to secure for us and others a life worth living.

i am proud to be an american...but most of all, i am thankful.

happy fourth!
(pictures coming soon)

there are moments...

there are moments on this journey that make you stop, dead in your tracks...moments that touch you, that make you silently reflect and think about just how and why you are on this journey you find yourself on every day. why it was you chosen. moments where things fall into line, when you are at the right place at the right time. things that would have never happened had you not been chosen to take on this new path. people that you meet, and you can feel this swelling inside, the quick paced beating of your heart, because you want so much to wrap your arms around that new mother and tell her that it will be wonderful, breathtaking and inspiring. so when you meet a couple, just a little half way through their first pregnancy at a barbeque, for a friend that either of you hardly ever see...a couple whom after finding out that camden has down syndrome, bursts out to you, whom they have just seconds ago met, that the baby girl they are carrying might have down syndrome too...it makes you stop and realize that this is part of it. this is all part of the journey now...and that somebody else is walking you through each step that you take...because just how much coincidence really happens in life?

and regardless of whether or not that baby girl, still growing and changing, does have down syndrome, this couple needed you at that time, and you needed them. i am thankful for these moments, they always seem to happen at a time when you needed someone to wrap their arms around you and remind you that this path is wonderful, breathtaking and inspiring...

just because...

i know my blog is overrun with video clips these days, but i can't help it...
~
the toughest thing about having a 16 month old who is the size of most 8 month olds (or younger) is finding developmentally appropriate toys that fit his tiny frame...but every once in a while we get lucky...this was a christmas present from a certain pair of grandparents and i am happy to say, g and g bush, that he now loves his truck! (click here to see how cam first responded to this now treasured gift)

every day i love him a little bit more...i don't really know how that's possible.

simon says...

while in the produce aisle at the grocery store cam looked to the side, folded his arms and bowed his head, so mom looked to the side and there it was...an older gentlemen pacing the aisle in search of some vegetable his wife had no doubt sent him on a hunt for, with his arms folded across his chest, i immediately started to laugh and then from behind heard another patron begin to laugh..."what a good mimic cute one" she said as she walked by...

~
he is definitely becoming our little mini-me with all of his mimicking and i can't help but fall in love with this newest obsession of his. it is truly amazing how each stage brings something even more magical than the last.

the world upside down...

ignore the shaky videographer...pretty sure looking at the world upside down is cam's favorite thing to do these days...

and i have to throw in his awesome signing and speech skills too!

and ignore the tv in the background haha i was obviously not paying attention...

summer is peaking out...

of the frequent clouds and gloom this year, we have had the occasional day of sunshine, yesterday and today being hopefully the start of more and more...to celebrate the sunshine we headed to the zoo yesterday with cousin austin...

and today we went for a quick swim! PLEASE STAY SUNSHINE!!!

a,b,c's...

a couple of months ago we started speech therapy with cam...i felt like he was doing alright with making a few sounds, he did mama, dada, baba, goy, nana...so what i really wanted from therapy was to get him eating more (he was having problems moving to more solids...he ate stage three baby foods all day long, bread, puffs of all sorts, and cookies and french fries, but had a problem with choking and then vomiting on pretty much all other foods, including his bottle, and he wasn't taking a sippy or a straw). along with his speech therapy weekly, his early intervention coordinator through the school district set up a feeding eval and encouraged us to encourage cam's speech by repeating every sound he made to us, back to him (and i mean every sound).

so we faithfully went, every week, even though cam had mad stranger anxiety with the therapist and spent half of every session clinging for his life to my neck. and billy and i have been making an extra effort to repeat every single sound that comes out of our boy's mouth. we got some great advice on eating from the therapy sessions, along with our early intervention coordinator, each week. i also started singing a,b,c's to camden at bed time, i sing once through the traditional way...a,b,c...and then through with just the sounds (ah, ba, ca, da...). i do it at bedtime because that is when i have his fullest attention, he will do anything to postpone going to bed.

so here we are one and a half months later and cam is now eating and swallowing (without choking) small bites of meat (chicken, meatballs, vienna sausages), small fruit slices, yogurt, fruit bars, cereal bars, bagels and cream cheese, peanut butter, steamed veggies, most anything sweet, graham crackers, pudding...you get the idea) and he hasn't thrown up anything in about three plus weeks! we still have a long way to go, because the bites are still ultra tiny but we are getting somewhere! he is also drinking through a straw!

as far as speech goes, he has started to blossom, he is trying to mimic a lot of sounds we make, where before he would only mimic mama and the other sounds he only said when babbling...now he copies ma, da, ba, wa, ga, ka (this one is a little throaty), s (it's a mix between an s and th, because he has no top teeth, but it sounds pretty dang good for a toothless s), h, na, doe, no (which he is also saying in correct context here and there), ta, oh, uh. we are really working on getting him to say uh oh and hi and the e and i sound...but he hasn't quite yet. all in all i am so excited to see improvement!
~
seeing cam blossom and knowing that he can and will continue to accomplish so much is so amazing to watch! we are so proud of his hard work! and so thankful that we live in a day where the help that he needs is available.

uh oh...

my sweet, innocent, baby boy is a hair puller and biter to boot! we are starting time out this week, since he laughs when mommy signs owie and pretends to cry and since he has branched out farther than family members and thinks that you initiate play time by grabbing hold of the nearest head of hair and pulling it in...something has to be done. he goes into nursery at church in just two short months and i definitely do not want to be called up because cam took a chunk out of some kids scalp and laughed about it before he bit him. so we will see how the time out thing goes. if anyone out there has experience and suggestions...please feel free!

apparently he doesn't like tile...

motivation: keeping knees off of the tile...maybe we should tile the entire house?

just a little somethin' somethin'...

note his leg movements in the background mirror...

time away...

we are leaving this cute mug behind for a week...and i have never been so torn in my entire life...billy and i are going on a much needed, mommy and daddy vacation...but leaving the little guy behind has me tied up in so many knots it is getting hard to count them. i am especially afraid of missing what he will do next...not being there for some fairly large milestone, being that he is hitting new ones on a regular basis now...this last week alone he took his first wobbly steps along the coffee table and the bath tub...he crawled up a whole flight of stairs with little to no help from me...he is pushing off of furniture for a second at a time, and starting to turn in transition from one piece of furniture to the next. and i know he won't be walking anytime soon, because there are still lots of little baby steps in between, but honestly i don't want to miss any. still...i think it is time for us to break away...and a whole week without mom and dad is a milestone all on its own, especially with the oh so fun separation anxiety camden has recently started embarking on...poor grandma bush. but i know he will be in good hands, and time out with daddy should keep this momma fairly occupied!

how do you explain it...

when someone asks you how you felt when you found out your son has down syndrome? because honestly i don't really want to explain the first twenty four hours...i want someone to ask me...how do you feel now, now that you have been given an entire year with your son, down syndrome and all...how do you feel about it now? but they never, ever do. instead you are torn between the lines...on the one side you have the cliche, "he is my son, and i will always love him just the same"...or you have the truth. that sinking feeling, that cloud of dismay and all encompassing weight of the unknown...all brought on by a world of misunderstanding and just plain not understanding. and don't get me wrong, i understand the reason for the question, very much. i would have asked it myself. it's just that, when you find out anything that wasn't what you would have originally put into the blue prints of your life, the first twenty four hours, i believe, (and sometimes a little more time is allowed), is god's grace period. he understands the tears...he understands your fears, even if they are completely unfounded and irrational in the whole scheme of things. he reaches out when you are shaking your fists up at the heavens and he forgives those almost unforgivable thoughts. because he knows where you will be in just a short year.

so you want to answer that question with the way that you feel about down syndrome now...the beauty, the personality, the love, the strength...it all comes bubbling to the surface, because you want everyone to know that it is okay, that you are okay...after that initial grace period you start to see what heavenly father has seen all along, and you are thankful. thankful that you get a glimpse of what true unconditional love really means. thankful that you are fortunate enough to learn something of christ like love. thankful that you understand, a little better, christ's love for you.