And so we danced...

The last few days I played single mom of two as my husband had to leave town on business. Yesterday as I was attempting to do the dishes while the littlest slept...Camden decided, it wasn't time for that. Every time I would open the dishwasher I had maybe two seconds to slip something in before little hands would ever so politely, as if I had asked him to do it, shut the dishwasher. I wasn't getting much done....and so I changed course. I loaded one last dish and looked down as he once again proceeded to shut the dishwasher...upon completing his task he looked up at me, hands raised and said with careful pronunciation "up". I smiled at my little man, because I know how hard he has to work to pronounce words and gladly lifted that little body into my arms. We decided to turn on some music, my kid is a sucker for a good tune. The music started and Camden's face lit up with a smile. I set him down and said "lets dance!" which is exactly what we did...we danced, we marched, we ran, we jumped, we pretended to be several animals of Camden's choosing and we laughed. I didn't realize just how much Camden had been needing his mom...but not just around...he really needed me, and yet the bigger surprise was just how much I had been needing him. He refilled my soul and my heart and I realized that a little dancing with my three year old should and will always take priority.

just some teasers...

First day of preschool...

I have to keep telling myself it is only two hours...and praying that he does ok on that bus. Time just doesn't wait for you does it?

Big brother...

Camden is doing surprisingly well adjusting so far...lots of hugs and kisses for baby brother, but for the most part he just does his own thing...unless he wants attention too in which case he slowly starts to nudge baby with his foot as if to say...ok I'm done with you. Needles to say, we won't be leaving the boys alone together until Hendrix can hold his own to big bro!

Dilemmas....

Yesterday I had my very first mommy of two dilemma. We have been so blessed to have such wonderful mothers and grandmothers here to help out with Camden while I spend my days feeding a newborn and trying to get a schedule down...but I have missed my sweet Camden.

Camden got a stomach bug this week...and although I was fairly certain it was a reaction to his recent uptick in dairy products (cam has been off dairy for allergy purposes since 18 months) I wasn't completely sure...which meant my motherly instincts to wrap that little, sick body up into my arms and smother him in kisses and cuddles were put on the back burner to a newborn who not only needed me but needed me healthy, and without a way to potentially pass a flu bug his way. It was the hardest thing ever to let my sweet mother in law step in and take over my role with Camden. And although I still snuck in a few good cuddles my heart ached.

Oh baby...

Happy birthday Hendrix Reed Bush! We are so happy to have you!

three years...

it is hard to believe that i have been able to wake up to this little face for the last three years....

if someone would have told me what my life would be like today, i would have never believed it.  if someone had told me that i would be the mother of this little stud...

i wouldn't have believed it.

if someone would have told me that not only would i be a mother, but i would be the mother of a beautiful little soul, who would need a little bit of extra, i would have told them i couldn't do it.  because i never thought that i could.

but if camden was given to me for a reason...that reason was to show me that i could.  to show me the person i could potentially become, to show me that there is more to life than what people see with their eyes, to show me that there is more to living than i ever knew possible, to show me the depths of love that few are so lucky to discover.

this journey, is just that, it is a journey.  it isn't a way of life per say, although it alters your way of life...instead i would say that each and every day is a step along a path of not only discovery of another human being, but that of yourself.  and isn't that what life should be?

it is difficult to express the way that i feel about my son...raising children has its highs and its lows, but it is true that the level of fulfillment is unmatched. this year my son has taught me to trust;  to trust him, to trust myself, to trust my husband, to trust God.  thank you camden, for everything you are, for the effect that you have had on your father and myself, for the love that you so freely give and for holding on those first few weeks, for believing in me, when i didn't believe in myself.

happy birthday to my tiny three year old...to the year of three!

today we said goodbye to our cardiologist...

when Camden was a newborn we were told by the nicu cardiology team to expect that he would need open heart surgery and ongoing oxygen before age six months.  it was a scary time for a new mom and dad who were dealing with a multitude of issues with their newborn and it all just seemed to be one more thing on the ever growing pile of things to deal with.  Camden was born with three holes in his heart: an asd (atrial septal defect), a pda (patent ductus arteriosus) and a vsd (ventricular septal defect)...acronyms flew around us like someone was reciting the alphabet, but nothing really ever seemed to make sense.  we were told that the pda could close on its own but that the vsd would require open heart surgery to fix and that the asd might require surgery as well.  we had no idea what to expect...we spent the next six months visiting with his pediatrician and cardiologist fairly regularly, he was on oxygen at home for two months...and then we found out, to everyone's surprise, both the pda and the vsd had closed on their own.  we knew how much of a miracle this was and we were so grateful.  the closure of the vsd however created some blood pressure issues in Camden's lungs called pulmonary hypertension...the doctor hoped that it his lungs were just stabilizing from the closure and that it would clear up on its own...and it did.  our cardiology appointments backed off from weekly, to monthly, to bi yearly and then to yearly...today we got the news that Camden's asd has shrunk down to the point that surgery will not be necessary to close it and he is still showing no signs of his pulmonary hypertension...which means that today we said goodbye to dr. minich at primary children's hospital (unless something comes up of concern later on).  that is one less doctor on our list...and I am so overwhelmed and thankful. I wish I would have been able to tell myself in those first few months that my little man would go from this....

 

 

to this...

merry merry christmas...

Parenthood...

It was still dark out at seven this morning...the tiny one beside me started to toss and whine and then I felt him cuddle up against my back. I turned over, wrapped him back up in the covers and pulled him close...his eyes still shut as a closed, wide grin slowly beamed across his face. His eyes opened slowly and he smiled again as he began to babble...then he waved his little hand at me and said "hi". All the while little kicks from within help me to remember that it won't be just us for very much longer.

These moments in parenthood never get old.

Happy Halloween!

And the end of Down syndrome awareness month! Thanks for reading along...and remember people with Down syndrome are people first...

Love, the Sock Monkeys!

Think about it...

In 2008 it was reported that 90 percent of women who received a prenatal diagnosis of Down syndrome in the US chose to abort. A recent study done in 2012 showed this rate had dropped to a range of 67-85 percent (depending on where you live). In places like the UK and other countries however, rates are still above ninety percent.

Think about that for a minute. Down syndrome is the most common occurring genetic "abnormality". This is the most difficult subject for me to tackle...and mostly because of the thought that the majority of the society in which we live today believe that my child doesn't deserve the right to live. I am not going to argue my pro-life stance today...or talk about how an extermination rate of an entire group of people with an average around eighty percent is nothing aside from genocide, in my opinion. Instead, I want mommy's who may be reading this, dealing with this decision, to understand whom it is that they are taking away the right at life.

Camden turns three in January...he is rambunctious, sassy, opinionated, loving and lovable, smart, manipulative (what toddler isn't), unique, strong and hilarious. Camden has Down syndrome...a prenatal test could have told me that...but it wouldn't have told me who he was going to be. It wouldn't have told me that a hug and kiss from him could heal any wound, it wouldn't have told me that he would be the strength in our family, it wouldn't have told me that he would love tv (ya it is problem)...it wouldn't have told me that he would have a mind of his own...it wouldn't have told me that he would be shy...it wouldn't have told me that he would touch the lives of the people he encountered.

Children like Camden are growing up everywhere to beat society's odds...to have lives of their own...to be accomplished...to love and be loved, to lead happy, fulfilling lives...to inadvertently teach compassion and joy. They lead lives of value beyond comprehension, independently or dependently. Camden does not suffer...he enjoys the same activities that other children do at his age...he laughs every single day...he smiles every single day...he is loved every single day.

And maybe the choice you are about to make has less to do with the child's state of life and more to do with the thought of you mothering a child like Camden...and to that I say, you can do it. Your life will go back to normal, you will keep friends, and go out with your husband, you will love your child, you will think they are the cutest child on the planet, you will have hard days and good days, you will get over the pain that you feel from the diagnosis, there will be days that you forget your child has a diagnosis at all, you will find a sense of meaning and joy in this journey.

So before you listen to the geneticist about potential issues that may or may not arise in mothering or being a child with Down syndrome...before your fear of the unknown takes over, before the thought that no life is more merciful for a child like this takes over...think about it. Think about that rambunctious three year old that you may be keeping from having an existence, from being able to choose what color shirt they want to wear and talking about what they want to be when they grow up, the child that would have no first date, no chance at finding the love of their life, no chance at happiness at all. Just think about it.

Reece's rainbow...

After Camden was born Billy and I became members of an amazing group of people...families that were raising kids with Down syndrome all over the world. They helped me through the darker times after Camden was born...I linked up to their blogs, they added me as a friend on Facebook, I was invited to play groups and fun activities and my heart healed as I watched these families living their lives...just like other families did. They opened me up to a world I never imagined existed and we are so grateful to belong to such a loving community. Over the last three years I have come to know these parents...some made parents naturally...some shared similar stories with us, some were older, some were younger...and some became parents through the gift of adoption.  

The longer that we have been members the more families I am meeting who are choosing to adopt beautiful little children with Down syndrome. Some of these families already had a child of their own with Down syndrome and decided to reach out and save another child. Some of these families had virtually no ties to Down syndrome...but they knew that a member of their family was missing and that Down syndrome was where they should look.  I have nothing but admiration for these families who have given much to bring their children home...who are willingly choosing a life with a child with Down syndrome. 

While there are many options here in the states to adopt children with special needs...there are also options available overseas.  One of my favorite ministries aiding these children in their qwests to find families is Reece's Rainbow.  In Eastern European countries a child with special needs is seen as socially unacceptable, as an outcast. They are sent to orphanages at birth or upon diagnosis...where they live out their lives without the love of family and around age four, if the orphanage is full...they are sent to adult mental institutions. The care in these institutions is not good...these kids are tied to their beds, they are given little interaction, they are not given opportunities to grow or learn...they are left alone and too often abused, never given the opportunities to thrive. The thought that Camden could have faced a similar situation if he had not been born in the part of the world that he was breaks my heart. I literally ache for these kids...but Reece's rainbow is working hard to change this fate for these children...

visit their website www.reecesrainbow.com

These children deserve better, they deserve a chance at a life.

Biggest fears...

As a mother of a child diagnosed with Down syndrome there are a lot of things that we are put on watch for health wise...since birth Camden has had regular blood screens for his thyroids and blood cell counts (leukemia). He is a heart kid (he has congenital heart disease) so we see a cardiologist regularly as well. We have screened for kidney problems and sleep apnea...and of course we have all of the typical kid things to watch for too (vision, hearing, ear infections...). I am not going to lie...this is by far the most difficult part of this journey for me. Not because of the extra doctors or check ups or blood work...but because we have to think about these things. Because every time I see a new bruise I wonder the what if's, because every time I see broken blood vessels I start my lookout, because Camden's slow growth makes me nervous... because I look at the color around his lips on a regular basis, just to be sure. And the thought of my little guy under going surgeries, bone marrow transplants and chemo therapy always gets me. Watching as friends receive the diagnosis I fear the very most makes my heart ache...seeing toddlers lose their beautiful locks of hair makes me teary. And searching Camden's little body for signs makes me cringe.

I have to remind myself on a regular basis that just because we are on the look out for these things does not mean that Camden will inherit any of them. There is a saying: "you don't know strength until strength is your only option"...and I know that is true...I think of the littles and their mommas faced with these types of challenges every day and I admire their strength, their courage and I recognize that those things were their only option. Some of these possibilities are things you would never, ever wish for any family to have to go through...but they are an unfortunate piece of our reality.

This post is not meant to scare away prospective/expecting or new parents...it is just to say that there are some difficult detours along the path...but there are mothers and fathers dealing with the same things, that they understand your fears and your emotions. That you aren't alone if this is your path. And if there is one thing about this community of amazing parents that we are so lucky to belong to it is that they are fantastic at supporting one another, about cheering one another's family along whatever detour you may or may not find yourself on. And we are thankful for that. I also want you to know that there is hope...that we live in a day where most of the kids faced with these challenges will find their way through to lead a healthy, long life. And that the little miracles that we are so lucky to have are strong, they are courageous and they are fighters above all else.

Better days...

There are days in motherhood that you giggle and play and laugh and think to yourself: man, how did I get so lucky!? Today is not one of those days. It snowed this morning...and stuck a whole half a centimeter, so obviously on our way out to music I thought I would take advantage and let cam enjoy the wonder of a first snow...he immediately tried to sit himself (fully dressed for class mind you) in a huge puddle of ice water...he then ever so gracefully ended up face first on the pavement (I thought he laid himself down that's how graceful it was) and being the good mom that I am I looked down and said sternly "Camden! What are you doing? Why did you do that?" at which time he looked up, mud streaming down his face with tear filled eyes and one heck of a bruise and started to ball...ya I felt like mother of the year. We proceeded to music after we washed off the mud and the tears slowed...at this point he was in no mood to do anything he did not want to do...so it was a pretty awesome class. After, he decided it was time to go to toddler class as he walked by the room (it wasn't), so I stopped him and tried to head the other direction at which point he fell to the floor in tantrum mode and with full force slammed his forehead down onto the thinly carpeted cement floor. The below picture pretty much sums up both of our moods at this point in time. Yup, I am the mother of a two year old...

Most days...

Most people think that life with a child with Down syndrome would inevitably be so different than life with a typical child...and while I am not discounting that the future holds a lot of unknowns for our little family...I am also willing to say that maybe life really isn't all that different than it would have been other wise. In fact, most days, I honestly do not think about Down syndrome. Does it effect the way we live as a family? Sure, we deal with more doctors, therapists, early intervention programs...our children thrive on routines so routine becomes a part of our parenting style...but really, it has all become just another normal part of our lives.  Our therapists have become a part of our family, a part of a routine, they love Camden and advocate alongside us...our doctors are our families' life lines and we are thankful everyday that we live in a time where so many of the medical unknowns that we face have solutions.  We look at Camden everyday as our child, first and foremost...we do not see Down syndrome, we see our rambunctious toddler.  That does not mean that we do not recognize that Camden is different than other children his age...what it does mean is that he is an individual...he is his own person, with his own quirks, likes and dislikes...he is very much a child like any other...he just develops at his very own pace.  

In a lot of ways Camden's development has been a blessing...for instance I had an entire year of a somewhat non-mobile, cuddly baby who was content to love on his momma. We have had time as first time parents to watch every intricate step that the human body and brain take in development...we have enjoyed and were truly able to soak in that extra bit of baby in our child.  And we have loved it.  That doesn't mean that there weren't moments where the realities of Camden's slower development didn't hit home, and hit home hard...but it does mean that as his parents we have grown to appreciate Camden for who he is...and we are learning every day that every child is different, that every child is unique and we are appreciating more and more the blessing of a slower moving childhood.  Childhood is wondrous, exciting and magical...and as an adult I had forgotten how truly amazing it can be to be a child...Camden has taught me how to enjoy life a little bit more, he has taught me to appreciate better my own childhood, and he has taught me most of all that it should never be taken for granted...because it so quickly fades away.  

So it is true...most days I don't think about Down syndrome, most days I am just caught up in being the mother of a two year old...in trying to help Camden develop and grow while still reveling in the child that he is.  

The future...

I think one of the things parents fear most about having a child with Down syndrome is their state of independence. It was definitely one of my fears...shortly after Camden was born I realized how unfounded those fears were. Camden is only two...we don't know what level of independence he will eventually have...but I have high hopes. People with Down syndrome are reading, writing, holding jobs, getting married, attending college, some have received drivers licenses and some have families all of their own. Just because a person is diagnosed with Down syndrome it does not mean that they will fit a set stereo type. It does not mean that they will not have a future...it does not mean that they won't succeed in life, contribute to
society and have their very own life.

And we look forward to Camden's future with hope and excitement. We do not believe that he should have limits placed on his future just because of a diagnosis. We instead feel that Camden will set his own goals, he will write the story of his very own life and he will set his own limits if the need arises.

Most days we don't think about Down syndrome, most days we don't think too far into the future...because it is wide open for our little man, and only he will be able to write it...not a doctor, not a geneticist, not society's stereotypes...Camden.

Siblings...

A study done by Dr. Brian Skotko showed that among siblings ages twelve and older, 97 percent expressed feelings of pride in their sibling with Down syndrome and 88 percent were convinced that they were better people because of that sibling.

Camden is about to become a big brother around here and I can tell you that most days I wonder if I was out of my mind crazy to want another right now...but it has little to do with the fact that Camden has Down syndrome and so much to do with the fact that I am about to become the mother of two kids, two toddlers, two boys. Am I ready for that? Absolutely not! Am I excited? You better believe it!

When we found out we were expecting another boy I began to think about my oldest...I realized just how much he needed a little brother, a friend...who will one day become his advocate, his protector, his greatest blessing. Is it fair of me, as this child's mother to expect my next child to fill these rolls? Don't you hope that each of your children will be these things for their fellow siblings? Is it fair of me to hope and to pray that this child will grow to be compassionate, loving and gracious in the most rewarding of ways?

I have hopes and dreams for this next child, as I do for Camden...I do not expect that he will live in his brother's shadow...instead I think he will one day be able to say that he lives on his brother's shoulders. I believe that Camden will bring insight into our home, into the lives of our other children that will be invaluable.

I don't doubt that there will be moments of hardship, moments when things aren't fair...but that is the plight of any sibling and it is also the blessing...we become better selves through these times, we become stronger.

I know that Camden and little brother will be siblings in the most root definitions of the word, that they will play together, laugh together, support one another, fight and love each other. Am I excited to see Camden fill the roll of big brother? Absolutely!

Too many children are aborted because parents feel it will be too hard on their marriage, on the siblings...the studies show differently...

Family dynamics...

I ran across an interesting fact this morning...families that have a child with Down syndrome have a lower divorce rate than families where there is no diagnosed disability. It made me think about my own marriage and although we are only six years in I can confidently say that Camden's diagnosis was a definite turning point in our relationship. Billy and I had been married for three and a half years..we had settled into life together but we were still very much learning more about the other every day. We had planned Camden, we decided at the beginning of married life that we wanted to give ourselves three years before we let a kid come into the picture (I have no clue why this number was so important but it was). I guess you could say we took the traditional advice to heart, and we wanted to give our marriage time to settle, we wanted time to ourselves.

The day that we found out about Camden, Billy became my strength...he was my rock and for the first time in three and and a half years we cried together...and I knew that there was no one else on earth I wanted to be on this journey with. I would not be the mother I am today if I did not have the partner I have today.

Camden has brought love, life and new hope into our family...he has taught both of his parents what is truly important in life...we now know how to support one another above all else and we are better for it. We are better because of the child that we put off for three years.

I know this statistic is just a statistic and it alone does not guarantee that any marriage will make it over others but I do know that having a child with Down syndrome would not be the reason for our marriage to ever end. And I am thankful for the man who chose me to be the mother of his children because even through the scary unknown times in our marriage, with Camden...he stood strong, he put us above all else and he still continues to do so everyday.

Rough day...

The last 24 Hours have included a trip to the doctor, a bottle of thick, pink, chalky meds, a flu shot for added measure, a lot of tears, little to no sleep...poor bug has a double ear infection again. That makes three since may...which means one more in the next two months and we are headed in for a set of tubes. This is not uncommon in kids in general obviously...but kids with Down syndrome are more prone to ear infections due to the shape of their ear canals. We thought we were going to get away without this issue with Camden since he never seemed to show signs of them...until may. It has been a really fun few months. Anyway I will leave you with this little gem, taken a few days ago...