family....

we made an unexpected trip up to visit with billy's family this weekend...we are so thankful that they live close enough to be able to make quick trips like we do. having camden has really brought the importance of family to the forefront for me, and i am thankful for that. we may be making a few trips up to idaho over the next little while...to visit with some family, because you never know when something might happen, and the family dynamic will change...so we are taking advantage of the family that we have right now.

billy and i loved this restaurant when we were dating...it was called sato's...he took me here the night he proposed. the restaurant closed for a while shortly after that, but has reopened under new management and a new name...and yet is still very similar.

look who was a big boy...and thought he was too big to sit in a highchair.

don't you love his tight lipped smile in this one?

losing track of time...

camden is fourteen months...fourteen! he is officially over the one year line, my big boy...more a toddler each and every day. i'm not really certain where the time has gone...but i am certain that it keeps on ticking by. i can with confidence say that we made it through the month of march alive, and without illness (knock on wood that we had the worst of this season in the beginning)...

this month camden has successfully passed his hearing and one year health exam with early intervention, completed his elap (one year developmental test), checked in with his cardiologist (nothing has changed, and no news is good news in the world of heart kids), scheduled a surgery for a not so fun boy place with his urologist for next month, completed evaluations for speech and physical therapy which we are starting as well next month (weekly), made some new friends at a new fun mom and me kindermusik class through early intervention, passed all of his blood draws for our one year pediatric visit (good to go on thyroids and no leukemia signs), checked in at the down syndrome clinic in salt lake to make sure mom and dad are covering all of our bases, checked in with our friends through our ds playgroup and acquired an annual pass to the living planet aquarium (play date anyone?)

and through all of our running around to doctors, therapists and play dates i have found out a few valuable things about my son....

1. the kid is happy and healthy

2. my child is fiercely shy

3. but won't hesitate to ham it up once you are inducted into the "um, i guess you pass as a friend club"

4. i have one stubborn little boy

5. who eats a lot of sweet potatoes and beta carotene, at least that's what his orange tinted face told the pediatrician

6. aquafor is a heaven sent (for chapped cheeks)

7. and little feet and legs that are hardly ever adorned by socks and shoes because somebody won't keep them on for more than five seconds ( i lost track of how many sets are now m.i.a)

8. he understands a whole lot more than he wants to let on to
9. his elap results don't dictate what he is capable of

10. out of everywhere in the salt lake valley, he would rather be at home with his very best of friends...that baby on the other side of the mirror, man he is cute.

i'm in love.

redefining expectations...

every parent would like to think of their child as capable of anything. after all "you can do anything that you put your mind to". when a child is born the mother looks straight into its eyes and envisions the future...bio-engineer, teacher, dancer, sports star, president..."they can do anything they put their mind to". sometimes a parent will go as far as to try to help mold that child into exactly what it is that they want that child to be...dance classes, musical instruments, language courses, gymnastics, sports...the list goes on and on. but, inevitably every parent is faced with the same reality..."they can do anything they put their mind to"...and the parent realizes that although they can push their child to meet said child's full potential they can't shape them to do what the parent wants them to do. the child decides the direction, the child decides their potential, the child decides their limits. and although we would like to continue to envision our potential future rock stars we are brought back down to earth when our child decides he/she wants absolutely nothing to do with that piano we just dumped who knows what dollar amount into. and so, every parent ends up back at square one with a blank stare and wonder as they watch their child figure out who they are and want to become.

a down syndrome diagnosis comes with a lot of different expectations...instead of looking toward bio-engineering our horizon changes and our expectations become more, genuine. "i want my child to be whatever he puts his little mind to"...i still want him to reach for those stars, because i know that he has a wealth of limitless potential, but really, i want him to be an upstanding, productive member of society...and honestly, isn't that what we should expect out of all of our children? so with that, what defines productive? if his limitless potential is defined without even a glimmer of biology (i hate science too p.s.) is he not productive? has he not reached his full potential? no...his potential just happened to not favor science...and what if my little one continues to live at home with mom and dad through his older age and works as a bus boy for forty years...has he not become a productive member of society?

i know that my child will make those around him smile, i know that he will thrive, even if it isn't in science, i know that he will contribute love and caring and a good heart to the world and i know that he will create a limitless wealth of value. so really, it doesn't matter if he doesn't become the president of the united states...but it does matter that he lives his life to full capacity, that he loves to full capacity and that he laughs to full capacity, because that is what it's all about.

~

today we celebrate world down syndrome awareness day...march 21st was chosen because our littles carry three copies of the twenty-first chromosome. and as we celebrate today we celebrate the limitless potential for our children to be happy, to be healthy, to be productive members of the societies in which we live and to be loved and accepted for who they are...we expect, instead of accept and we love that little bit of extra.

tick tock....

i use to be a time counter...i use to watch the clock...count the days...the minutes...will he make it? he is so close...next month for sure...christmas...his birthday. and each and every day i would hear the tick tock.

i have learned something this year...camden's clock runs at a different pace than mine. it still ticks and it still tocks...and it still makes it from the twelve to the one...two...three...and so on. the final destination is the same as mine...but the journey is just a little different (dare i say, a little better). it is a smoother ride, with all of the tiny steps of babyhood at a pace that i can count. it hasn't rushed by...it has waited for me to jump on, to join in.

and as i watch my little one speak eloquently to himself in the mirror, and lean in to give himself sweet little baby kisses i am thankful. thankful that his tick tocks waited for me.

and now a plug for the ndss

a playdate...

we love having so many friends so close... thanks kristin for letting us steal all of your cute photos! (mine were all blurry of course, yay for phone cameras)

we had so much fun!

because i love him...

i want to help olga
(please see her story at a perfect lily)

and the other children at reece's rainbow.

one of those...

it was one of those days. you know the kind...when, you can't wake up and you immediately get that feeling...the go back to bed and throw those covers back over that head of yours feeling. yep, one of those days.

...

one of those days...when, as you pack to leave the house in a rush you can smell a fresh diaper, so you hurry to change a wiggly little boy who refuses to stay on his back long enough to get the diaper off let alone wipe whatever else is left over...and as you try to get a fresh one strapped on before roley poley oley runs away naked and free you can feel your chances at getting that bottom of his clothed decreasing by the second, and your time is running out.

...

one of those days...when, with fifteen minutes left to feed said naked child lunch he decides lunch means steal the spoon from mom time. after six spoons, a mess of a floor and a half fed child you have to give up, grab what you can, try to clothe that bare butt baby and strap shoes onto feet that are ever crawling away.

...

one of those days...when, you reach your destination and you notice, because an amused friend ever so sweetly points out, that you put your child's shoes on the wrong feet...and as you sit down to lunch for yourself, you switch his shoes back and realize that the steal the spoon game earlier left your just washed jeans, unknowingly, drenched in bright orange sweet potatoes.

...

yep it was one of those days...when the universe tried to warn me...and i didn't listen.

...

at least i got a few good laughs out of it. and yummy lunch with yummy friends.

doctors...

i feel as though one is the magic number for doctor appointment overhaul...even more so than when he was a newborn...alright i take that back, he had way more, and more frequently before six months than he does at one...but for the last six months i was spoiled and forgot that at one he would have to see all of his doctors again...so here is what our month of march looks like:

march 9th health assessment at jordan development center (hearing and overall health)
march 10 cardiologist for an echo cardiogram and instructions for the next six months
march 14th early intervention
march 15th speech therapy evaluation
march 16th urology appointment
march 21st physical therapy evaluation
march 22nd primary's down syndrome clinic
march 25th early intervention

still to schedule: cam's one year early intervention evaluation, one surgery (which the urologist will consult on), a re-do on last month's unsuccessful blood draw (which i have been procrastinating) and a possible swallow study.

and i know i am spoiled and a lot of children have a much heavier schedule than this on a regular basis...but for future reference, next year i am spreading them out a bit more...especially since we spent the month of february in the instacare with four sets of the flu for our three member family.

but...i am thankful and blessed that we live in a day and age where camden has solutions to his health care needs, so bring on those doctors!

this face...

camden came into play with mommy this morning at six thirty...but mommy has a secret...if she pretends to stay asleep, camden will eventually go back to sleep too. i love our snuggle time, and i don't get quite as much of it these days so i am all for the extra morning zzzz's. extra until about ten a.m. when cam finally decided to play again. i don't think i have slept in until ten since, well definitely before camden...and it felt good, it felt right....and who wouldn't have a good day after waking up to this face? ok so i didn't wake up to that face exactly this morning...but i do get to see that little face three times a day now that camden has decided self feeding is all that he wants to do. he doesn't quite make it every time, hardly any actually, and the spoon ends up mostly on the floor, purposefully, and he resorts to his hands mostly...but we don't mind...because who wouldn't want to clean this up three times a day right?

bonds...

a friend asked the other night about being a mom...she has been thinking about starting the journey, taking that leap, but is nervous...so i told her...i can honestly say that i loved my life before camden, i loved being married, i loved my freedom...but, i can also say that i have never been happier.

there really is something about the joy a child can bring into your life. now, that doesn't mean i don't have those mom moments where i feel annoyed, angry or stressed with camden, but it does mean that the sacrifices that i make on behalf of camden are necessary to help in forming that unending bond between a mother and a child. those times where i miss my freedom, those times i want to pull my hair out...are the times that make those intimate moments of love the most joyful moments in your life, because the effort makes it worth it.

thanks for teaching me everyday little one.

desires...

photo courtesy of billy bush

today, as i was cleaning up camden's room, he lay playing with his toys and i noticed something...as i watched him crawl/scoot his way over to his drum, position it and push himself up into sit to play with it...this kid is driven. he has wants, and desires beyond his needs. when did that happen? when did he become such a little person? when did he start playing? like really playing!? when did he get such a personality? i can't wait to see where he goes from here.

laughter...

it's 11:15pm as i start this...can't sleep, not that i sufficiently tried. it's been a long week, with countless sleepless nights, another flu, a slight case of the chickenpox from one year vaccinations, a few trips to the doctor (okay, after the last two weeks i might start to consider the hospital my second home) and a few prescription drugs. but we are alive, and camden's newest personality growth spurt has kept us happy, smiling and laughing.

have i mentioned that my boy likes, no loves, to dance...and the little guy has rhythm too. it started at around 8 months i want to say...when propped up on his arms he would sway a little to music, if he could hear some. it has now blossomed into a full on boogie...standing, sitting, laying...really in whatever position he may find himself in as a beat passes by on a tv show or commercial, the radio or dad singing...pretty much any beat will do. he might stop for a second as he looks over to you, as if to say...don't you hear that mom? aren't you going to dance? so i appease him and find myself in a dancing mood for the 30 seconds that the music might last and once i start to dance he begins again too. it really is quite adorable.

and the kisses...oh boy the kisses. this one has it bad for mad affection. and not just any kisses, the climb into your face and nose kiss you while i simultaneously hold you down and eat your cheek kisses. i really can't get enough of them.

he has also found his ability to capture attention...and it doesn't really matter who's attention that he gets...but be careful because once he gets it, he isn't going to let you go. this boy will do anything...wave vigorously, clap (three thousand times because you will inevitably say yay and clap along and he just can't get enough of that action), mom's all time favorite...pull your hair, yell, but in a cute funny way (well to us, maybe not to bystanders) he chucks everything off of his highchair...bread, crackers (but not before he squishes them into sand in his hands), juice, spoons, well pretty much everything, and then he looks over at me with this tiny grin that says: what mom? i finished! and we have inevitably become that family in the restaurant that leaves our table and those surrounding us in small shambles, even after i try to pick up what i can off the floor. but he is still shy at heart...and he nuzzles into me at first sight until he warms up a bit and i revel in it.

sunshine in january...

maybe it's because i woke up to the sound of a snow plow this morning...but i am feeling a bit nostalgic today...for the warmth of sun and the sight of baby bare skin...
honestly...is there really anything better than that? and i would be lying if i were to say that i don't revel in the fact that my boy loves water and sunshine as much as his mommy does...
maybe even a bit more...because while my feet were going numb from the winter touched ocean camden was having the time of his life in those waves...

and the taste of sand doesn't seem to bother him either, because after he choked down his first handful...he might have gone back to sneak in a few others...

we miss you california....

welcome home...

i haven't been a very good blogger lately...mostly because the last week has been anything but blog worthy...let's just say last night was the first full night of sleep i have had since we got home from california last monday...oh, ps. we spent the last 6 weeks there, and it was glorious. we came home to -2 after weeks of 60-70's, the flu for dad and mom, and our one year check up, with shots and a very unsuccessful blood draw, followed up by one very unhappy little man...who lost his voice on friday and saturday from three straight days of non-stop wailing, needless to say, i am not a fan of one year shots. it was probably just bad timing, and had nothing to do with the shots, but they are associated now with camden's hardest week ever, well, besides the 10 day stint in the nicu after his birth. but we are alive. we made it through, and boy am i happy that we are finally on the other side.
...
lots and lots of california pictures to come!

a birthday...

one year ago, i became a mother.

one year ago, i could hear nurses whisper...and an ob asked to speak to us in private...one year ago they said they saw those almond eyes...one year ago billy and i were too afraid of the what ifs so we didn't speak of them at all. one year ago our family welcomed their first perfect grandchild...and they had no idea about the concerns the doctor had brought up to billy and i. one year ago, camden's lips turned blue and whispers continued...and our new baby was wheeled in and out of the nursery with concern and hushed faces. one year ago i hoped the doctors were wrong. one year ago i had no idea how much my life would change. one year ago i didn't know camden.

those feelings are all still raw and fresh, but they are different somehow...they are new, they come with love and understanding and the knowledge that everything will be more than alright.

if i have learned anything over the last year, it is how to love...fully and without conditions, without limits and with appreciation. camden made me a mother for the first time and he has taught me more than i would have ever dreamed possible. as we celebrate today we celebrate camden. we celebrate love, we celebrate limitless possibilities. we celebrate a new way of life, a good way of life. we celebrate the little things, we celebrate our family and we celebrate life's surprises...because they mold you, they make you better, they bring more than your plans ever would have allowed.

thank you camden...for everything you are, and everything that you will grow up to be.

happy first birthday bud!

almost one...

tomorrow is the big day...we have already celebrated with our family and friends..and pics will show up soon...but tomorrow it is official...i will have a big one year old. i might cry a little, like i did while watching his face light up at the water show at disneyland, or when he was full of life trying to jump in and out of the waves at the beach today, or splashing himself in the pool and then giggling and doing it again...i know i'm ridiculous. i feel as though this milestone has come with all sorts of new tricks...like his continued attempts at crawling, his tries at pulling himself up, his insatiable need to be on the move, his new found love of anything with water, his signing dog, waving hello and bye, clapping and yelling yay, mimics of everything dad and i do...like clicking our tongues, clapping, signing, coughing, laughing and more....understanding in his eyes, his nigh nigh cries at bedtime, his ma ma when he needs me, his ada da's.... it's a whole new world out there from here on out...and each day brings something even more magical....so bring on tomorrow!

celebrating....

we are celebrating a little early this year...(he turns one officially on the 24th)...and i can't believe it's almost here. my little baby isn't a baby anymore and with his attempts at crawling getting more sophisticated each day i am going to have a little toddler on my hands soon.

the start of mobility...

and the end of any freedom i thought i might have had with camden....



go cam go!

a love story...

you never quite know when life will swoop in and leave a little imprint...i am always glad when it does though, it leaves me better, satisfied, fulfilled...today my sister and i took our grandmother out for a pedicure...it was grand and i was well overdue...there really is nothing better than a little pampering here and there and time out with family. about half way through our girls day out, an older gentleman walked in with his wife...he was rougher, a biker in his day...time had touched her far harsher than him. he wheeled her in and placed her at the manicure table and then walked over to get a pedicure for himself, and i couldn't help but smile, because there is nothing cuter than a man who grabs a hold of the good things in life. his wife had a harder time with her words and could barely hold herself upright, and i wondered what had happened, had she always been this way? we girls kept up our conversation...and soon this gentleman worked his way into it...he was graceful about it and had quite a sense of humor about him and then his wife came up, who had had a brain aneurysm a few years back and laid in a coma for six months, while this rough biker of a husband sat by her bedside and prayed for her to come back to him...and she did. she had lost her memory, she was angry, and had to learn how to do most everything all over again...but he stood by her, and time softened this man into one wonderful husband...who taught his wife who she was, how to speak again and is currently teaching her how to walk again. he remodeled the house because she kept falling on the tile floors and he does all of the housework for her, because she can't any longer...and as i sat and listened to this man who needed an ear to be lent...i couldn't help but smile inside, because through all of this...was one amazing love story.

~

cheers to a life worth living.

from our family to yours...