Friday, November 12, 2010

the waiting game...

there are days that i feel as though this is my life now...i am constantly waiting...and when the day comes that things finally happen, i say hooray, i clap my hands and i move onto the next phase...and i find myself giving away the now. i was guilty of this long before i had my son...but it is more and more evident now that i have camden. we push, and push...until something happens and i see a new spark and we celebrate for all of 10 minutes and we move forward. which is the thing of progression and i am not discounting the necessity of such things, but sometimes i feel as if waiting is my entire life...and i don't want to look back at the end of things and see that i wasted 95% of my now's waiting for the next's. but i am torn...because, as a mother, there is this instinctual drive to push push that little one i have been so entrusted with to reach his full potential...and so between the therapy appointments and the doctors we are pushing...because what if he doesn't make it to a goal? will i look back and say i should have done more? when i run out of the house to do errands or grab lunch, or try to get some free time, am i wasting precious time with camden? am i giving him all that i have? and when he leaves behind the "typical" time frame to accomplish things and moves into delayed stages i ask i enough? and i struggle with this at times...and i tell myself that it is up to that little man of mine...but how do you balance it? how do you balance reveling in the now and the pushing forward to the next?
i haven't quite figured it out yet...but when i hear that voice in my head questioning whether or not we did enough therapy today, i stop myself...and i love is enough.


  1. Oh sweet, sweet Tonya! You're enough, period! We have to take care of/time for ourself or that passion will turn to burn out. At least it does for me!

    We've reached a new kind of schedule with Porter... instead of saying from "8 a.m. until whenever you wont let me push anymore we're working on our goals." Now, I go about my day and I watch. Porter naturally wants to do the things we're working on and when I see him showing signs of interest I shape it, mold it, using his interests to push. This also helps me because it just feels more natural and less stressful on us both. Daddy has been a great tool here because ANYTHING Daddy does is interesting and fun.

    I have always been a baby lead kind of parent and it was only a few months ago I realized I needed to do the same with therapy to feel authentic to myself. That guilt slips in from time to time but it bothers me less these days. So, what if I didn't think about goals today?! My boy got to be a kid, my toilet is clean and there's plenty of time. I'm learning to take things one day at a time, trusting God in every moment.

    That's what works for us. Really I just want to say trust yourself, do what feels right to you! I know that you're a fantastic mother, so does Camdem and so does your Heavenly Father!

  2. You are more than enough and Camden is so lucky to have you has his mommy! Taking a break and having some alone time is very important for your mental and physical health...never feel guilty about that! :)

    Like Meghann I'm a very "baby-led" type of parent. I don't push too hard, I watch what Sutter is doing on his own and then we incorporate our "therapy" around that. Take for instance all started a week or so ago when we were playing on the floor. Sutter was propped up on his arms and I tickled his belly, which caused him to draw his knees up and push back. Once I realized he could do that I would just tickle him through out the day until he recognized that feeling to push up on his own and didn't need me to tickle him. Before I knew it Sutter did it on his own.

    Everyone has different ways of parenting and baby-led may not be best for you. You will find a balance that works for you and your family. Life can't always be based around therapy and appointments, playing and just enjoying the baby stage is just as important!

  3. waiting is a hard part of parenting...sometimes time seems to stand are all Camden needs...and taking time for yourself is necessary for you and him...Maddie seems to do things in spurts...she will seem not to be progressing and then she will accomplish a couple of milestones...I have realized that even when it seems I am doing is when Maddie is the most at peace and happy...she likes our quiet simple life...smiles


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