A red balloon...

Today I will remember how everything can change in the blink of an eye...that accidents happen and that every single day with loved ones is a gift. I will hug my children tighter, I will kiss them more often...I will be more vigilant in being there with them. Today I will remember how sweet motherhood is....and that there is another hand that guides our lives, another hand that shelters our children when we can not be everywhere at once, another hand that decides who will stay and who will go home. 

http://diaryofanaddict.co/red-balloons-ryan

In awe...

Today I will remember how in awe I am watching him grow up. After having a child who has to work, work, for everything...watching Hendrix explore and figure his world out is nothing short of awe inspiring. I am thankful for the order in which I had my boys...for the opportunity that I have, with each, to notice the little things, to take nothing for granted. 

He is growing...

Today I could hear giggles over the monitor. I walked slowly into his room, as to not disturb whatever it was that he was finding so fun. I found this... 

And in that single instant I realized just how much he was growing...and my heart grew full and heavy at the same time. Simultaneously bursting with joy and breaking with the ache of the knowledge that my time with him, just as he is now, is short lived. He will grow, he will change, the nature of our relationship will change...his laugh will change, his hugs will change...but I will always remember him like this. 

Laughter...

Today I will remember how they laugh...the giggles that start so deep within. I will remember the way that they make one another laugh, like no one else can. I will remember the pitch, the sweetness, the innocence, the perection in a single giggle...and just how contagious it is. 

Comfort...

Today I will remember the sweet snuggles of a sick little who just wants the comfort of his momma. I will remember the fact that he sleeps best with his head propped on my shoulder...the whisper of his sweet breath  and the rhythm that it finds in his sleep. 

Tiny knocks...

Today I will remember the sound of quiet footsteps down the hall, the sound of tiny knocks on a door before the sun is up...the sweet morning snuggles of a four year old and the feeling that I get in the pit of my stomach, the warmth that soothes my heart and brings peace to my mind in the instant that he looks into my eyes and wraps his tiny arm around me. There is no where else I would rather be.

His sweet voice...

Today I will remember the sweetness of his childhood voice. The air in his speech, the careful pronunciation of a new word. The excitement he has for his new accomplishments, his eagerness to learn and to participate. The way that he points to every picture and so sweetly and so softly states "baby" regardless of whether or not there is an actual baby in the picture. The raspy sound of his innocence in the morning and the way that it renews me when I reach into the crib each day.

Today I Will Remember...

I often post to Instagram sweet pictures and sunshine, things that warm my soul and make me smile, things that I want to remember. The reality is, there is another side to this thing we call motherhood. Today I found myself on the other side of the sunshine. I won't go into the details of the day, because well, I don't want to remember those. I do however, want to remember that I came to some conclusions today. 

Just once I would like to be able to end a difficult day with a "man I nailed that" instead of feeling deflated, annoyed, tapped out, stressed and guilty. Guilty because I inevitably raised my voice, was too short, ignored them, didn't want to be there, couldn't be the mom they needed. On days like today I often wonder if I'm enough... I can only hope and pray and hope some more that this is not the mother that they will remember. I pray that they remember the mom who reads to them at night, and kisses the owie, who cuddles, builds forts, apologizes and crawls into the crib to snuggle them.  Please, please let them remember that mom, let me remember that mom. And in turn, I don't want to look back on their younger years and remember the difficult, because I'll be honest, these years are difficult, at least for me...they are draining, they are emotionally exhausting, and full of tears...but that's only one piece...please, please don't let that be the piece that I remember. 

So, in an effort to change this time in my life, I am starting a project. I know that this won't take away the tough, the tears, the poop in the tub...but I am hoping that it will change my perspective, the way that I handle each day, each moment... the way that I look at this time that I have with my children, while they are still children. 

For the next ( well I won't put a time stamp on it ) I am going to make an effort to remember just one thing every day, one glimpse that I want to look back on...the way their eyes lit up at a specific moment, the way their hair blew in the breeze, the color of their skin in the sunlight, the way they laughed and that their belly shook, the way they looked into my eyes before they leaned in for a kiss. I am hoping that I will have a journal of sorts...of moments, of their childhoods, of motherhood. I am hoping to create a life that is worth remembering,  to bring meaning to the day in and day out. Join me if you would like...on your blog, on Instagram, in your personal journal, wherever you want to collect your memories. It doesn't have to be about children, or motherhood...let's just build our lives...the way we want to remember.

Today I will remember...

The way the sunlight slipped through the curtains into the crib as I laid snuggling Hendrix back to sleep during his nap. The way it lit his hair and wrapped his golden skin...the way that his hair curled in the light. 

#todayiwillremember