I often post to Instagram sweet pictures and sunshine, things that warm my soul and make me smile, things that I want to remember. The reality is, there is another side to this thing we call motherhood. Today I found myself on the other side of the sunshine. I won't go into the details of the day, because well, I don't want to remember those. I do however, want to remember that I came to some conclusions today.
Just once I would like to be able to end a difficult day with a "man I nailed that" instead of feeling deflated, annoyed, tapped out, stressed and guilty. Guilty because I inevitably raised my voice, was too short, ignored them, didn't want to be there, couldn't be the mom they needed. On days like today I often wonder if I'm enough... I can only hope and pray and hope some more that this is not the mother that they will remember. I pray that they remember the mom who reads to them at night, and kisses the owie, who cuddles, builds forts, apologizes and crawls into the crib to snuggle them. Please, please let them remember that mom, let me remember that mom. And in turn, I don't want to look back on their younger years and remember the difficult, because I'll be honest, these years are difficult, at least for me...they are draining, they are emotionally exhausting, and full of tears...but that's only one piece...please, please don't let that be the piece that I remember.
So, in an effort to change this time in my life, I am starting a project. I know that this won't take away the tough, the tears, the poop in the tub...but I am hoping that it will change my perspective, the way that I handle each day, each moment... the way that I look at this time that I have with my children, while they are still children.
For the next ( well I won't put a time stamp on it ) I am going to make an effort to remember just one thing every day, one glimpse that I want to look back on...the way their eyes lit up at a specific moment, the way their hair blew in the breeze, the color of their skin in the sunlight, the way they laughed and that their belly shook, the way they looked into my eyes before they leaned in for a kiss. I am hoping that I will have a journal of sorts...of moments, of their childhoods, of motherhood. I am hoping to create a life that is worth remembering, to bring meaning to the day in and day out. Join me if you would like...on your blog, on Instagram, in your personal journal, wherever you want to collect your memories. It doesn't have to be about children, or motherhood...let's just build our lives...the way we want to remember.
Today I will remember...
The way the sunlight slipped through the curtains into the crib as I laid snuggling Hendrix back to sleep during his nap. The way it lit his hair and wrapped his golden skin...the way that his hair curled in the light.