waiting...

it is a fairly gloomy day around here....the wind has been howling non stop since last night....and i can't help but feel a little bit of cabin fever setting in with the teaser days of milder weather in between the gloom while i hopefully anticipate the blooms of spring and the warmth of sun....waiting to be able to plant my garden with camden bundled up under the warm sun next to me....waiting to be able to sport the jogger through the parks and neighborhoods while i try to get back into a bathing suit ready, post maternity body....waiting to be able to lay out a snuggled up little form onto a blanket over grass with a picnic for three....just waiting....photo by billy bush

98%...

the day that the pediatrician came in to tell billy and i that he was 98% sure that camden had down syndrome, my heart sank for a moment....it sank for his health, which we were told would probably not look good, it sank for who i had thought he would be, it sank because i made down syndrome all that he was. people would come in to see him and tell us how perfect he was, and my heart would sink again, they would say he looked so much like billy, and i thought, at that moment, they say he looks like he has down syndrome so he doesn't look like anyone... at that point in time down syndrome, although i accepted it and felt somewhat at peace with it, was what my little son was to me....i didn't know any better.

and then i started to look into that little face of his...and down syndrome wasn't what i saw. i saw my little boy....who i had carried with me for nine whole months...who kicked me constantly, who woke up when his dad would touch my belly...who i talked with and who already knew the sound of my voice and calmed when he felt my touch. i was in love with that little boy and down syndrome was not who he was. at that point i not only accepted the diagnosis, i accepted camden, i loved camden.

when we were in the nicu...there was a time when the neonatologist questioned the pediatrician's diagnosis. we hadn't gotten the results of camden's blood test back yet and for a moment billy and i questioned it too...and laughed to ourselves because we thought....how would we tell people if he wasn't? which was not something we thought we would ever ask and a little ironic because we asked ourselves the same thing when we were first told his diagnosis...how would we tell people? and for a day...billy and i secretly hoped that camden had down syndrome...we had already accepted it...why would we want to change it now?

on the day that we were told we could bring him home his test results were back...and we held our breath for a split second until they let us know that camden in fact had down syndrome....he was carrying that one little extra 21st chromosome....and even though we knew it all along, our hearts sank one last time, because the hope we hadn't even known that we still held onto was gone....but then we went into his little room, bundled up our baby boy and our hearts swelled because that day we would bring him home....

camden rocks those little genes of his....he does look like billy, and at times i see my brother too...he smiles his gummy little smile and i melt...we wouldn't have him any other way than who and what he is....the way that heavenly father made him, because that is perfection.

ouch mom....

camden saw dr. duffy yesterday for his big two month check up and of course the dreaded immunizations began....

camden has gained 3 pounds since his birthday and has grown 2 inches....ouch. he is a tiny little man (true to family genes right there) but he is staying on his little growth curve quite well. the doc was pleased with how strong our camden is and loved that he had happy, somewhat well rested parents to deal with.

the shots were no fun for the cam man....he squealed just a little but calmed down after a minute....did pretty well throughout the day yesterday but the fevers set in last night and are still burning strong this morning....poor little guy.
note the little bruise on the left side of his little forehead...oh yes...mom was sitting too low against our wooden headboard when cam decided to show off some mad head butting skills...not a good week when it comes to the ouches, but...drum roll please....camden is officially off of his oxygen....24 hours a day...seven days a week...not one cord!

dad...

this is what happens when dad tries to dress me....didn't quite make it, but that's ok because we have the best dance sessions ever when he watches me!

and after i am totally pooped....

camden's blessing....

because both sets of my parents will be in town on easter sunday and billy's are able, we decided it would be the best time to bless the cam man....so we wanted to announce it, in case you find yourself free at 7 pm on easter....you are more than welcome to come to camden's big day! the blessing will be at 7pm at our church (in the relief society room more than likely). i will post more specific directions closer to the date. let us know if you would like to come so that we can be prepped with food! thanks so much to everyone who has given us support and love in the last 7 weeks...we are so lucky to have you all in our lives.

the sun rose...

the sun rose today....and camden's face lit up!

mommy tries and tries all day long...peek a'boo...kisses....tickles....and dad comes home and pushes him into the air and the oh so awaited smile finally flashes across his face....and we love it!

ma'am....

i can honestly begin this post by saying that i have always felt quite young....not only because i went about 85% of my life thus far being told i looked too young....but because i felt young too! after all, i am only twenty-five right? twenty-five....and today as i awaited my mouthwatering in 'n out burger with my tiny little one curled up in the back seat of my car, i was feeling pretty good....the sun was beating down, the stereo was blasting my favorite tunes and i was actually out of the house....i was feeling pretty good until i got up to that first window to pay for that mouthwatering burger and the guy at the window said "you have a good day ma'am"....what!? ma'am? what does that even mean? i have never been called ma'am....well today was a first for mommy....so many firsts have been for camden lately....and here is one just for me and it has to be "ma'am"....so there i was, in shock and disbelief because the guy at the counter (who was probably in his twenties himself) was politely calling me ma'am....and then i looked at that beautiful ring on my finger and glanced backwards at that cute little man of mine and thought....i guess ma'am isn't so bad after all.

~

camden has been holding up his head like a champ lately....and even gets his chest up at times too! and is trying ever so hard to pull those little knees up underneath himself...

can't get enough...

sometimes i just can't get enough of that cute little face of yours and all of your amazing expressions...i wish i could take pictures all of the time to capture that oh so cute personality of yours...you are even cute when you are past out....love it.

one toe at a time....

photo by billy bush
~

i'm not the kind of person who does a cannonball straight into the water without thinking twice...i'm that person who dips one toe in at a time before she decides she wants to jump in....i have to work up to things...but if i have learned anything in the last six weeks it's that sometimes life doesn't wait for you to dip that toe in, sometimes, life reaches out of that water and pulls you in by that toe, usually when you aren't looking. but when you realize what has happened, after the initial stun of the cold water, somehow you remember to swim. you kick your feet and you move your arms through that water and you swim. then you realize, that that water isn't so bad and you are suddenly thankful that life didn't wait for you, because you can feel that water all around you, moving through you and you wouldn't rather be anywhere else. so you are thankful that someone knows you better than you know yourself, so thankful.

dear camden....

there are moments when i think you see me, your beautiful steel blue eyes can see right through me...and then i kiss your little neck and you grimace like you are already a teenager thinking "geez mom"...and i laugh to myself and think boy am i in for quite the ride with this one...and then you sigh...your cute little "ahh" sound and i melt at your lovely little sounds and think to myself...quite the ride.

~
mommy left you alone with daddy (for a split second) and a plate full of yummy chocolate covered fortune cookies (thanks camille)...when i came back you greeted me like this....
i think you liked that chocolate experience of yours...silly daddy.

reflecting....

so when we were in the hospital, just after they told us about camden and down syndrome we had quite a few visitors....the normal friends and family of course but also a lot of "support" for cam...like occupational and speech therapists as well as early intervention and an introduction to the down syndrome foundation...it really was so good to feel and see all of the people that would love our little camden throughout his life. when the down syndrome foundation came they gave us a booklet with a ton of information for new parents...(it covered mostly things like....why, how and what.....but it also had a lot of stories of encouragement and love)....i found the following poem in that booklet and it really confirmed my feelings about my little one...

~
Before He sent each of His children to earth,
He gave each of them a very carefully
selected package of problems.

These, He promised, smiling, are yours alone.
No one else may have the blessings
these problems will bring you.

And only you have the special talents
and abilities that will be needed
to make these problems your servants.

Now go down to your birth and to your forgetfulness,
Know that I love you beyond measure.
These problems that I give you
are a symbol of that love.

The monument that you make of your life
with the help of your problems
will be a symbol of your love for me,
your father.
~

by Blaine Yorgason

~
billy and i feel so blessed to live in a time where so much is available for little camden...in a time where he will be able to get the care he needs to master his new life here. we are so thankful for all of the people that will be in and out of his life and touch it for the better....