Wednesday, July 18, 2012

made for me...

i don't really know how to start this post...because it goes back to two years ago really.  i guess i will begin with our first doctors appointment with this pregnancy. i love my doctor by the way...if you need a referral...i will gladly give him out.  

it was pretty routine...he asked how camden was doing and we said great...and then he quickly moved into genetic testing.  this wasn't so routine, as we never had it offered while pregnant with camden.  he was super sensitive and very thoughtful, but the questions were necessary and expected. we could do the blood screen, the level 2 ultrasound and/or an amniocentesis...or just not worry.  it was up to us.  billy and i have thought often of this, knowing it would come up with our next pregnancy.  so before i tell you our answer let me explain how we arrived there...

when camden was born, i immediately wanted to try and have another baby.  i am not going to lie, i was selfish, i wanted to know that we could do it "right".  the fact that i once thought that, that somehow we didn't get it right with camden...brings an overwhelming sense of shame now.  he was so right.  it took a few weeks for that feeling to subside, don't get me wrong, i wasn't dwelling on the fact that camden had down syndrome, we were in love with him, and had accepted that down syndrome was a part of all of our lives now...i just felt like i had something to prove.  

i knew that the fact that we had had camden brought our chances up by a mere one percent for having another child with down syndrome...and yet for the last two years i have been trying to wrap my head around how i felt about that possibility.  and on the surface, there was still a little bit of fear...but it had nothing to do with handling another child with down syndrome and everything to do with the worry that i might never have a "typical" child.  billy and i have mulled over the possibility of eventually adopting a child with down syndrome...and so i would have to stop myself and wonder why i would adopt a child with down syndrome, but wouldn't want to have another of my own? why would it matter how another precious child came into our lives? it all came back to the fact that i still felt i needed to prove to myself that i could have what so many others have. 

when billy and i decided to try and have another child, i had been feeling like it was time for a little while, and so it was kind of like leaping off a cliff...i wasn't sure how i would react to everything.  

as with most pregnancies...i have been ridiculously over zealous in the emotions department lately.  and the deeper thinking has crept back into my thoughts.  in fact, the day that we brought that first ultrasound home, i studied it...i compared every detail to camden's ultrasound around the same time frame.  i know of course, that there is nothing to see at only ten weeks along, but i did it anyway.  

over the next few days, my mind grew peaceful...and i began to think of all of the beauty camden has brought into our lives...the lessons that i have learned...the absolute knowledge that he was meant to be, and meant to be with us...the overwhelming feeling that i needed him so much more than he needed me, and how he has molded me into the person that i am today...and will grow into tomorrow.  i remembered the excitement that i feel when i meet another mommy on this journey, because she knows the joy i feel, she doesn't question whether i am fooling myself...she knows, this journey is an amazing one.  and then it dawned on me...that no matter what wrapping paper God decides to use for this tiny being growing in my will be perfect, it will be sweet, it will be what i need in my life.  this baby, like it's older brother will bring with it valuable life lessons, laughter, tears and will have been made for me and just like i felt/feel with camden...he/she will be that puzzle piece that fits perfectly into place in the very center of my puzzle.  they will fill a void i don't know is there yet...they will make my life worth living, i know this because their brother did.  

so going back to the questions on genetic testing...we decided not to worry.  we will go through this pregnancy routinely like we would have with any other child.  if something shows up in the ultrasound than we will go from there...but for now..."typical" child or genetically enhanced...we are excitedly anticipating the arrival of our new puzzle piece.


  1. I think your feelings are all very valid and normal. I love that you compared the 10 week ultrasound pics ;) Having not been in your shoes, but knowing that Ds doesn't happen THAT often in subsequent births, I thin I would make that same decision to not do the extra testing unless something extra comes up :)

  2. Tonya, this was the most beautiful post I think you have ever written. Both your little ones are blessed to have you as their Mother :)

  3. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I found your blog after our son Daniel was born with Down syndrome in March. He's our third and whether or not to have more kids as well as whether or not to do genetic testing if we *do* have more kids has been on my mind a lot. (We're also LDS, so a lot of my thinking is the same as what you've said here.)

  4. You're not alone in the way you wonder about this pregnancy and 'what are the chances'?

    Beth was our first and when I got pregnant with our second the doctor asked if I wanted an amniocentesis. We chose not to, for the same reasons you did, but the 'what if' was always in the back of my mind.

    BTW, we have 3 kids and Beth is the only one with that something extra!

  5. You're an amazing young woman and mother, Tonya. We love you very much!

  6. Reading this seriously felt like I wrote it myself. I definitely "get" it, all of it! Its so funny because I went through the same thing, a bit scared that the 2nd baby I was expecting had Ds, and now look at us, adopting a little girl with Ds 3 months after she was born. God works in mysterious ways, thats for sure! We need a lunch group soon. Can't wait to meet Cam's little sibling :)


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