Saturday, March 27, 2010

98%...

the day that the pediatrician came in to tell billy and i that he was 98% sure that camden had down syndrome, my heart sank for a moment....it sank for his health, which we were told would probably not look good, it sank for who i had thought he would be, it sank because i made down syndrome all that he was. people would come in to see him and tell us how perfect he was, and my heart would sink again, they would say he looked so much like billy, and i thought, at that moment, they say he looks like he has down syndrome so he doesn't look like anyone... at that point in time down syndrome, although i accepted it and felt somewhat at peace with it, was what my little son was to me....i didn't know any better.

and then i started to look into that little face of his...and down syndrome wasn't what i saw. i saw my little boy....who i had carried with me for nine whole months...who kicked me constantly, who woke up when his dad would touch my belly...who i talked with and who already knew the sound of my voice and calmed when he felt my touch. i was in love with that little boy and down syndrome was not who he was. at that point i not only accepted the diagnosis, i accepted camden, i loved camden.

when we were in the nicu...there was a time when the neonatologist questioned the pediatrician's diagnosis. we hadn't gotten the results of camden's blood test back yet and for a moment billy and i questioned it too...and laughed to ourselves because we thought....how would we tell people if he wasn't? which was not something we thought we would ever ask and a little ironic because we asked ourselves the same thing when we were first told his diagnosis...how would we tell people? and for a day...billy and i secretly hoped that camden had down syndrome...we had already accepted it...why would we want to change it now?

on the day that we were told we could bring him home his test results were back...and we held our breath for a split second until they let us know that camden in fact had down syndrome....he was carrying that one little extra 21st chromosome....and even though we knew it all along, our hearts sank one last time, because the hope we hadn't even known that we still held onto was gone....but then we went into his little room, bundled up our baby boy and our hearts swelled because that day we would bring him home....

camden rocks those little genes of his....he does look like billy, and at times i see my brother too...he smiles his gummy little smile and i melt...we wouldn't have him any other way than who and what he is....the way that heavenly father made him, because that is perfection.


10 comments:

  1. He literally is the most adorable little baby boy I've ever seen. And such a SWEETHEART! I loved holding little Cam...he was so calm and content.

    We sure love him :)

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  2. Tonya, I love your sweet posts about your little one. They touch my heart every time I read them. I have no doubt in my mind that little Camden is very loved. I can already tell how special he is, and I look forward to meeting him.

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  3. tonya, what a SWEET, SINCERE, and REAL post that was. i loved reading it... what an amazing mother you must be to such an amazing little boy..... thanks for posting that.

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  4. Your posts get sweeter and sweeter. Camden couldn't have a better mother and father than you and Billy:)

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  5. Thanks for sharing those thoughts Tonya. It's amazing what those sweet little kids can do to melt their mom's hearts.

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  6. Camden is such a sweet baby. And such a huge blessing in your lives. And will be in your other childrens lives. Kyle's older brother has down as I've told u before. But I don't think I've mentioned that his brother is his best friend. Truly. Even to this day when we go over to his parents they are always wrestling and rough housing. It's great! Such great brothers. They are 16 months apart which helped them grow up closer. You would think Kyle would be the one watching out for his brother. But his brother is the one always watching out for Kyle an making sure Kyle is happy and doing ok :) Camden is such a sweet baby. You truly are LUCKY to have him in your lives :)

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  7. Oh that was such a sweet post. All of the pics are so stinkin adorable! I just love how sweet little Cam is. And he DOES look a lot like Billy!

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  8. That is such a sweet post. Keep it forever.

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  9. I can totally relate. One thing that helped me realize that Down syndrome is really a small part of what our kids have is something that the geneticist told us. He pointed out that Kaelyn has one extra chromosome, but her other 46 chromosomes are from us, her parents. Also the 21st Chromosome carries very little dna. So yes she has Down syndrome, but she is still just as much our daughter as she would be with out the extras. I hope that makes sense. And like you said, we wouldn't want to change anything about her, she is perfect.

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  10. I just found your lovely blog, and this post is absolutely beautiful. Not only are you and your husband blessed to have such a precious angel, but Camden is blessed to have such wonderful parents. After a day of spit-up and diaper mishaps, you reaffirm why being a mother is the greatest blessing on Earth.

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