i am distracted...doing other things i suppose, probably things that are time wasting and not important in the long run, but they are easy distractions and sometimes your mind needs a distraction. i hear a tiny voice...he is trying to get my attention...finally he puts his little hand on my leg and says "mommy". i look down, my distractions aside...and see two beautiful blue eyes gazing up at me...and he smiles...the kind of smile that makes your day...that sucks you in, that somehow assures you on the worst of days that everything will be alright. these are the moments i dreamt about when i saw that plus sign on the pregnancy test...these are the moments i felt ripped from me when i heard the words down syndrome that day three years ago. sometimes he doesn't have anything to say...he just wants my attention, sometimes he asks softly for "a show" or "crackers" or something else he can easily label. his voice is quiet, and his words are sometimes difficult to make out, but they are words none the less. he doesn't speak with the ease of a typical three year old. speech is difficult for him, and it probably always will be. he works hard to find his voice, to get the muscles in his mouth to move the way that his brain wants them too...he struggles to plan his sentences and to formulate new thoughts with them, to find the courage to speak in front of others. but, he is speaking...here and there i catch a glimpse of his potential and it sets my mind at ease...and even if he never speaks with ease, even if his thoughts are fragmented into adulthood i know his language, i know his heart and soul and i know he will find a way to get his words out, even if it isn't always through speech.
in the hallway i can hear their laughter, i can hear them communicating with one another...neither speaks full sentences, one not at all...but still they find a way to hear the other, to play and to laugh as if they understood a joke or could plot their next move. the giggles are in sync and then at times in turns. they wrestle and laugh and love the way that i always dreamed that siblings would. these are the moments that make my day more than just a day, these are the moments that make your heart sore as a parent...these are the moments i felt ripped away that day three years ago.
as we wait for the bus i can hear his tiny feet running with speed behind me, i hear a high pitched little squeal as his feet move faster and faster down the driveway and then he grabs me, he reaches his arms all the way around me and as i turn to look i see him, with a wide grin and a happy heart lean in and laugh with his whole body...and then he kisses me. these are the moments that i love, that i live for. these are the moments i felt ripped away three years ago.
tears are pouring down my cheeks, and my heart is heavy. he always finds me, he always knows...he looks up with concern, and i smile down to show him i am alright, and he smiles back...he hugs me and comforts me and makes sure that everything is alright. i could never have dreamed that up, i could never have anticipated that...
his heart is pure and healing, his hands are soft, his demeanor is tender and his words are quiet, his laugh is infectious and his hugs and kisses are irresistible. he can manipulate his way into things when he wants to, he can love his way in if he wants to. everything is on his schedule, as childhood should be. and suddenly three years later, those moments once ripped away, are back, and i am whole. i am better, those moments are more than i could have anticipated, life is better than i would have imagined it to ever be.